Nirvana. We only know it as a band. We hear the word and think of it is the place of afterlife and once departed from this world we achieve that place of eternal bliss. I must be rid of the negative. I must cleanse myself of the thoughts and manifestations which hold me back. I must allow myself to be myself regardless of the conventions of society? It is not that I do not fit in this world I am just not sure how to be in the world. That may be it. I am not conscious of myself. I do not know myself, how if not knowing myself would it even be possible to share my life and existence with another. How can I be me without self knowledge? How can happiness follow, or come into my heart without preparation. So begs the question how does one go through life for nearly 39 years and not know the self? Have i always been unaware? Why did the awakening that took place in June also make known the unknown? Not knowing the self was not an issue. Wandering through life in bliss unawares. Why would an awakening of the spirit bring also this about. Perhaps I knew before but now I question? I have questioned in the past. Questioned my path and direction. Question my life and method of living. Question and accept? Oh yes, and change. I have not had to question in a long time. Just sitting and waiting and letting life occur. Questioning the presence. Questioning the ability. Questioning the necessity. Questioning the material. What is needed, what is desired, how to live and serve. Happiness in service to another. not serving another but serving the self? Removal of the self, the ego, from the process to be pure in the attitude. And so misery is a state of being reflecting only the desires that go unfulfilled. Happiness from the connection with the spirit, connection with others, and connection with the self. Release the desire. Release the unobtainable. Release that over which we have no control. Live life today in this moment.