Fun is good. Rarely partake in the fun have I. "moments of levity actually cause him pain; give him headaches. Happiness, for that gentleman, hurts" - garland greene.
Why do we continue to deny ourselves? Why block out those things which bring forth light and love? Why wallow in the muck and mire of our minds?
Mind filled with much today. Know that I am human. Know I make mistakes. Know I am cruel and malicious. Know I really do not know how to have a relationship with my fellow man. Know I am full of self and selfish motivation. Know I am really just not very nice and only present myself in that way to the outside world.
Know now that I am changing. Striving to make changes in my life and in my heart and in my being. Know that I am seeking the light. Seeking the love. Seeking to transmogrify. Seeking. Ah yes, recall the words from the Prayer of St. Francis seek to love rather then be loved. My buddy James really enjoys that prayer and lives his life in accordance with it. Spiritual kindergarten. Baby steps. One day at a time... and the like.
And so the pain I have caused myself compares like nothing to the pain I have caused others. The empty twisting of my gut and the festering sores on my soul are but a fraction of the pain delivered to others by my vicious nature. Certainly not an excuse for my behavior. There is no excuse. Just absurdity of the self. And so once again I must let this go or be destroyed. Scrap off this layer of pain and repair the damage before it has time to set and can then never be forgiven.