victim

I am the victim. 

Example. 

Mara calls my mom to let her know we are separated. She is taking care of herself in that way. I knew she was going to call but did not know when. 

I get a call from my mom saying she heard and was sad and if I needed anything. 

My victim says why did Mara not warn me? Mara does not care for my feelings or how it will impact me? 

The thing is how in any way could her actions make me a victim. They can not. 

Forgive forgive forgive. It's time to forgive myself release the shame and the guilt around actions that I take release the anger the fear that I keep inside release the bondage of self it's time to be free those things not forgive forgive forgive forgiveness of the self

And then forgive the others 4 perceived Injustice has perceived wrongs I don't need to carry that forward through any more relationships the ones I have now the ones I've had in the past the ones for the future forgive forgive forgive

Just wondering if that God isn't finished with me yet that mindset that so I reached the point where I just gave up progressing and I just gave up moving forward not content where I am but not discontent where I am just there but just there was nowhere like to be just there in the esoteric sense of enlightenment that would be great but to be just there and not have any esoteric enlightenment is just being without purpose that may be it being without purpose so what is my special purpose

So is it possible to be not miserable alone but to be miserable without someone?

So the big grand gestures like Forrest Gump running across the United States eight times that's a big Grand gesture so my thought what do I want to do I want to walk for peace does that mean I have to walk across the United States eight times in a big Grand gesture or does it mean that I walk around the neighborhood at night and I contemplate in the hole in my heart I contemplate in hold in my heart love contemplate and hold in my heart forgiveness and maybe those are the grand gestures

Authentic Self

What do I want? 

Over and over again. I do not know what I want. Give me a checklist of the good qualities on life and Yes, I want all of those good things. Yes, I want finicail stability. I want a happy home and harmonious relationships. To be free of the anger, resentment and fear that seems to have a grip on me overshadowing the good. 

What do I not want? 

What is it time to let go of? What can I do to facilitate letting go?

The being as it is no longer works. 

No, i take that back it works. It works well. But the outcomes it produces is no longer the outcome I desire. 

removing the armor. It has been a theme for years and years, The knight with rusty armor. 

A crack in the stone. a fissure. 

Letting out the essence within. 

when we heat the rocks. The beginning. We give life back to Inyan. What he spent in creation he gave his life. Still present with the heat of the fire. the preparation of the ceremony brings him back into being.