work work

So work has begun again. Work work not doing the work or working but work. It has been really good. It has a lot that did not really expect the mount of what had to be done all once. With the new start it seems like everything happens all at once there's not a buildup. I mean I prepared this summer and got ready for this time to come but I was not ready enough and didn't know how to prepare. So I think learning how to be ready is part of the key. Thinking of this summer and the work I do there. It is taking me years to know what to do and how to do it what's the process what comes next what's logical what has worked in the past what didn't work in the past. So learning a new all of those trial and errors and what comes next is difficult. So I need to learn how to make it work how to develop a method that is repeatable and or my notes are good enough that I can remember and don't have to look each time or don't have to relearn it I guess is what it is. I made a video last year of the process on creating for Google. And that was helpful on the remembering what comes next. So we are back at it full steam ahead and what comes comes hopefully we'll be ready hopefully I'll be ready.

Memory of pain

So I'm wondering about the memory of pain. Talking with a little fellow tonight we said something about the body remembers the body stores perhaps events and I'm thinking as those events in our lives get processed and placed there are points in our body that reflect those events. Why does my knee hurt? There's something there in the past that produces that pain. Something to work through something to learn from something to reprocess something that has reoccurred. And so what is the connection of that pain to who I am today. And why does it hurt? I became aware of a pain in my shoulder a few years ago. I went and released that pain and let It Go. I'm wondering how to release this pain today?

the heat

I was really hoping for a walk this evening and it just not cool off. I was tinkering around the house kind of putting away things sorting through some boxes. So is a productive evening but not walking wise. The walking seems to really help my flow of thought. And it was odd I noticed that the longer I sit the more my back hurts but when I get up and move and walk it didn't hurt so there's something to be said about walking in that way. So I need to just get up and walk even when it's a hot evening maybe earlier in the morning when it's cooler I should do a morning walk that's good yes I will have breakfast and walk there I'll get up a little bit earlier.p

travel

Well, I am on the road. It feels like when I walk I can process thought I can move through things and kind of see a different picture when I'm driving it's a different process the thoughts don't seem to collapse it's fleeting and maybe the speed involved I think that going 80 miles an hour down the highway the mind is also in a way going there quickly so it's hard for me to find what it is I'm looking for and describe it. So I have this one to talk and create and delve into for more understanding yeah I can't strange in between place so it's just driving and driving see what happens.

comfort

So, I'm really not sure what to say. Esoterically I feel like the universe is taking very good care that the way things are the way things are and within the mechanisms in the operations and the way everything is. I think even when I'm uncomfortable and even when I'm suffering or in pain or in doubt or fear or in those things the universe still brings comfort. And recognizing holding fast to the notion that of the abundant love of the universe. I think it's easy to see it when we are in the moment and aware or surrounded or fostering perhaps that abundant love. It's hard to see when the light is dimmed yeah it's hard to see when the light is dimmed. That makes sense but it's there and it is prevalent. Maybe that's the thing that sustains not even aware of.

seen

From the moment of commitment the universe conspires to assist you.

Focus and the Journey

 The metaphors and the quotes. All roads. Travel well. Living is the journey. I think over time the well worn path became more well worn. Talking the other day. When I am walking I look at my feet and the path. Weary to misstep it is difficult to look around and enjoy the scenery. Maybe the spiritual path is similar. Focus and walking, and fear of falling. And the broad spiritual vista is missed. Focus again. Stop to take in the whole. Revitalize the self. 

protect the self

So a little epiphany, thank you for the prompt. It is necessary to protect the self. To be aware, to not get hurt. The only way I know/knew was to build up walls and amour, to deny feelings. To shut down and shut out. It is a long process and on occasion light from within would shine through bringing hope. 

So tearing down the walls, removing the armour.  Emerging from the self imposed exile of a long winter. How does one protect the self without building the wall keeping others out and denying feelings?

the need to share

So wondering now about this process and the expression that seems to be necessary. I feel like I just need to share. So this popped up on Twitter and it resounded. So sharing to remember it and sharing it to inspire and sharing it to aspire. 

charles a. murray

For creatives: You were once the kid who loved Magic. Now, you’re the Magician.  Practice your craft. Diligently. There are kids who still wanna go “oooooh” when you do your magic trick. The lil hater kids wanna laugh if they can expose you. Be inspired by the kid who says Ooooh.

opening

So I think this feeling of opening, emerging, after a long winter. It is opened up and brought about change within and one of the consequences of that change is feeling and to feel to not bury the feelings of pain and sorrow and they come they go I think it's going to be necessary to embrace those things when they come and to look at them and thank them in the move through them. And just as there are pains and sorrows and angers and fears there are also joys and giddy happiness is that the word, positives how to embrace those as well.

I really do think over time the walls or the armor or the whatever it is cocoon to protect and it didn't even protect it but that that false sense of invulnerability maybe and not even really being aware of all of the things that are lost through trying to become unhurtable.

layout possiblities

This is so very difficult.  

So I think when facing a situation when dealing with things or you know what's the next right thing. I think it is take action even if that actions the wrong action it can get fixed later but it is the taking of the action that moves everything forward you know something needs to be done. You do it if it's not right it'll get fixed if it's wrong or if it is right it will be right and it will be done or it will be started. So I'm looking at where to put pictures on a wall, a fairly insignificant act and I'm afraid to take the action. I don't know where it should be or where it should go or how it should look and I don't want to take the action in case it's wrong. The bedroom needs art and I don't even know what to start in here, what would be the appropriate art for the bedroom based on the things that I have?

Living room

Couch against the north living room wall. Three pictures behind the couch

Guitar on south wall

Dining table in nook by windows

Keffer  on east wall

Desk on east wall

Jerry in the entry

suffering is finate

So walking along. Thinking about feelings and love and being and questioning myself. And I've always thought that love is infinite. There is abundant love in the universe. And suffering is finite there is only so much  suffering in the universe. Part of the reason we do what we do is to relieve the suffering of others. The thought that sorrow is a choice. Just as love is abundant. Do we have a choice in love?

action Wu wi

So I'm not much of a student of philosophy. That is I'm not real sure where I fall in the order of things. I think my biggest influence is the Tao De Ching. The approach to being has a duality to it. Soft and supple binds and gives and overcomes. hard and brittle stand strong and yet breaks. There is light there is dark there's black there's white there's the ying and the yang and the aspects of the ying and the Yang with the white and the black within and balances achieved. And when spinning is the wheel spins you don't have black and white anymore it's all just shades of Gray. So I'm not real sure how all that plays and how that works and but it just feels normal. So on becoming. Last week several times I heard don't go find yourself create yourself. And that's the process of the past 50 years is creating the self. But I realize that the self that I am is not the self that I was meant to be. And that's real okay.

Wu wi the idea that when nothing is done nothing is left undone. It does not make any sense. We have to do and we have to act and we have to prepare for the future as individuals as a species as a community to move forward to go on so in that way things have to be done. But when nothing is done nothing is left undone. I think it's I don't have to have fear when nothing is feared there is nothing to fear. When I give up fear, then I can live in the moment. When I no longer worry about rejection the fear of rejection. It is not possible to be rejected. When I let go of the self I'm able to embrace the whole

overload trigger

I went from peaceful to overwhelmed in just a few moments this morning. It started by thinking about getting ready for SD. Moving stuff around. All the sudden I was not present in the moment but in the unknown future in my head. Skipped to shows, skipped to school, skipped to studio, skipped to travel. All over everywhere. Not enough time. Not enough of me. 

Solution. Be present. Make a list. Do what needs to be done today. Priority. Let it go when it arises, address it, make a note, what can I do about this right now? Take action if necessary. Thank you for reminding me. Let it go.

Gene Keys

 This is of interest. The Gene Keys

I want to explore more. I read a bit. It is deep. But I think the doors of perception open. 

feelings

Really not sure where to begin. Having this feeling of excitement freedom I don't know there's this level of immediate Bond and very interesting. I don't know why I'm at and really what I should be doing. I can't figure it out you don't have to figure it out

obseiion of the mind

So it really didn't take long for that full obsession of the mind to kick in. And that is a such an odd thing it just permeates. I really don't know how to release that obsession to function without it it's not a relationship when that happens. I've got to let go of that fantasy in my mind just like letting go of the fear in my mind.

sad

That is a very strange feeling. I'm not sure what it's about but I really gotten used to a good night text and it's only been a week and so that's sadness of not getting one reminds me that it's only been a week and. It's like a strange anticipation and not rejection not but there was a comfort in receiving that. And no blame no no but in my less than am I not worthy no I just didn't get a text to say good night. That's really okay. More normal. There's no meaning by not getting it. Just really is there's no meaning to getting one.

all in

I wonder what it is that brings me to simply going all in it is an overwhelming response. I don't know if this is a special connection I don't know if this is a thing I don't know why I don't know where the origin is the blue light whatever it may be. But I know that at this point I feel like I've gone all in. I don't know if caution the fear of getting hurt the twinges of being alone. Finally a connection a strong beautiful connection. And maybe I'm reading too much into it maybe I'm imagining too much maybe I'm hoping too much. And for some reason I think that seems okay.

board

They do not pay me enough to put up with that stuff.

Crazy hyper conservative people permeate. Welding perceived  power. Society must not give them that power or cave to a demand based in senseless self angrizedment

nerves

The feeling of new. Pursuit. Care. Wonder how silly I am/look. That does not matter. Being self.

breakfast

I do enjoy breakfast out. School does not allow it except for the weekend. I am a eggs and sausage type, maybe an omelette, mutelanos when possible. There are some great breakfast places during the week. I need to find a good pattern in rotation. 

You know how everyone compares to the opening of the self to catapiller/butterfly, I think now it will be the opening of the self after the pandemic. Locked away for a year, ready to enter the sunlight if a new day, a new you.

 I broke my collarbone one Christmas in Colorado. My dad there beside me. My great Aunt Ruth in the background. I am not sure what year. Maybe 1976 or so. We were on a family vacation in Cuchara. Sliding down a mountain on waxed cardboard boxes. My cousin Hank ran into me at the bottom of the hill. Bobo said she could hear the echo of the gunshot like break. It spun me around and knocked me out. All I remember is this big blue field with a little red patch coming right at me when I turned around to look up the mountain. 

Not complete

 There is something just not really right. Something missing. 

Imposter syndrome, body dysmorphia, Feeling not smart enough. Not knowing how to communicate with others. How to interact. How to be?

Why is there this feeling of not being good enough? Sometimes it is not there at all. Other times it influences everything. 

Fear of rejection so it is even difficult to try to become a friend or something more.  

It is almost like why even pursue this, if it is only going to lead of heart ache. 

Like why have a dog knowing they will die. 

Like dating a foreign exchange student. It is better to let them go now, instead of later when the feelings are much more engrained. 

How to let go of the fear? 

Admitting the fear to another in my mind shows how messed up I am and would lead to automatic rejection. 

Afraid to expose myself and be known and then rejected. 

I come back to conversation. Following a script. Knowing what to say. But then when there is no more script what do I talk about? Working all day, not feeling the need to chat. 

The magnificent magnifying mind. Get an idea and it grows and grows. a hope or a fear either way and it is so out of proportion that reality does not even come to bear. 

I remember that lesson in fear. Is this fear based on reality? Has this happened before? If it was real what happened and what was the outcome and what can you change. If it did not happen before it is just a fear and has no reality behind it. Let it go. 
Maybe then it is the same with Hope. Has this happened? Will it happen? It is a hope. Keep it but know that it does not have any reality behind it. 

to do

Remembering to do. I even wrote a big note. And then did not even do.

I can not figure. Why. Did not even think about until this morning. 

Is this self sabotage? Why are my actions so like that? 

The needing to be done does not get done. 

unmoored

Unmoored it is a good description the feeling I guess of just floating about waiting to discover a new country. Not having much more direction and it's really maybe just a small pond there's no being lost it's just floating about nowhere really traveling nowhere going no destination just a movement or maybe lack of movement or maybe maybe being untied after the Storm. That may be it the the storm and finally settling back in finally coming to accept who I am.

summer is here

Rain today. Paseo weekend, postponed. I am not sad about that today. I do miss it though.

School is out. Work ensues. Daily. Wake.

Patterns of not destruction but not the healthyist way of being.

I don't know you

Why is that feeling in the morning to check to see if there is a message? Why should that even matter? I have no real connection. Just a few flirtatious texts. 

It comes back to validation.

Does that feeling oof not being wanted spill over into all aspects of life? How do I get beyond that? That "she wants to be with me" I am now complete. 

to say

So what would I say to you given the opportunity. I just don't know it's like this strange compelling to write to say something to interact. And yet I think that it is best not to. I don't want to intrude I don't want to be pushy I don't want to seem desperate. And yeah I think in a way I am desperate in a way I want to engage in your relationship or engage in a I don't know what the right word is. So I choose not to. I just have to wait and see what happens. That feeling that I get when I look hoping to find a message. And the disappointment of not seeing one or the thrill of there being communication

studio

So I need to get down something about the studio I don't know what it is or what I do know that something's wrong and I have to have a solution because I'm not there when I'm not there it doesn't work when I am there it's a wonderful thing I love it tremendously but I can't be there all of the time and now I am learning my body is telling me this experience is telling me that I've got to do something different and I haven't had to do anything different till now and we've gotten by magically miraculously and we'll continue to do so I think because it's a love there is love in that dream that the song without loving the dream it'll never come true f*** there's love there that's where the Love is that's a anyway so why is there two days a week Rachel was there she was a big help somebody that was there before her and that was a big help and then Rachel was gone and then Rachel came back and then so it's me and Michael Booth helps more than anybody knows and all of everybody there helps more than everybody knows so thank goodness I appreciate it deeply I have so much gratitude for my friends people there but I can't continue doing what I'm doing and make it when something like this happens I've got to have a backup so either a I change my schedule to accommodate not doing nearly as many classes or hire someone hire someone double and works great no problem. Cut back on classes would be looking at it okay Monday nights yep that's fine I'm good with Monday nights Tuesday off yeah Wednesday night 6:30 to 8:30 go to 9:00 some nights yeah no problem and at that point it's an 8-week class come in you can learn it's 6 weeks we have two weeks built in because something like this is going to happen and you know if the class fails it fails and your money is refunded up into the point of wherever that blindness that's an expense it's an expensive class Fridays yeah I'm real happy with one session maybe two come in I get caught up on all my paperwork the booths are there I'd hit a little session after them 6:00 to 7:00 6:30 7:00 and that's it maybe at 7:30 session 6:30 to 7:00 to 7:30 and yeah go have dinner it's Friday night. Saturdays every other Saturday this has been tremendous this has been a catastrophe I can't have 10 people scheduled and make it work there's not enough time to get them back in I'm already booked up so that's going to be a task I don't know if I could do three or four sessions a.m. would be great Saturday morning I have sessions from 10:00 to 2:00 and that's it from 10:00 to 2:00 and they can be 30 minutes sessions if there's two people it's 30 minutes that's time to clean up so I can double up I don't want to sit and waste my time yeah I can make stuff but that's not the purpose of that time. So what does the Saturday look like. Then what does Sunday look like Bill McLean in that little girl in no trouble that seems to be working but now I've got lessons and lessons and lessons because I can't fit them in anywhere else. I just don't have time so the solution it really is to hire someone. Cuz I can cut back everything in half which is what I need to do I can hire someone okay

All this prompted by the flu brought to you by 104° fever and sweats and shakes

prospect

I'm really not sure why the idea is so much more appealing it's not the right. It's like this feeling this excitement that occurs at the thought of being wanted that's it. The being wanted that is the comfort. I don't know how to say that without it being but if my brother's right there was just that whole growing up of not being wanted. It was like a burden or a duty without any desire. And so now that thrill of somebody wants me overpowers everything else. So that not wanting or not being good enough or not not being able to fulfill somebody's need and desire. It's an odd juxtaposition. Not sure how to release the excitement or release the desire of finally being wanted f***. So when the relationship comes to an end it reaffirms the not being wanted.

public

It is a bizarre experience being in public. This experience is usually alone at the house. Being inthemidsth of there is so odd. Those feelings of not knowing what to do and how to interact with others is deep. Feeling like I am the odd one out amid mint of the one out. Comfort in my own skin, not at all. What do I do or see. Does that I am make other people nervous? 

Being high at a concert seems different, being high with one other does not feel different. Being with others is ... I feel like I know everyone or should know everyone. That everyone looks famous or they should be. Notorious maybe more apt. 

I still have no idea how to interact with others. Explains why I do not go out to places that require contact and interaction. 

So I can be my self in what I perceive to be weird self and let go of the ego long enough to open the self to the experience. 

Still can not figure why everyone looks famous. Santa Fe famous. 

It is time to go home. But it really to much fun hanging out. Interesting to not know what to do. Where are the lines of being?  

Still no closer to knowing people but maybe that is more it in that everyone seems familiar. 

lodge

So I see on Instagram tonight that have a buddy that's building a sweat lodge in a intentional living community. Part of me is very excited and wow that would be awesome I need to go pour water poor. Another part of me goes that is insane they have no business doing that that is just so not right. So that I saw it on Instagram earlier the oponoapono  posting about cultural thieves and that's where we're at. So where am I in this.? I have no culture and have appropriated someone else's as my own.

lonely

So it really feels like this lack of intimacy physical intimacy that it's like a strange hollow key that can't be fulfilled it's a very odd desire. The wanting to be with someone and not being able to find anyone to be with. It's not really the oh my what's wrong with me or who I'm not desirable which are factors but where do you go to meet somebody how do you go to meet somebody what are the expectations what are the ramifications what are the all of the b******* that goes along with. I don't have time to have a significant other I don't have time to have someone in my life. But man that desire to have someone in my life is palpable. I think the false expectation and the false reality of online doesn't help.

God jar

Okay so here's a little jar we're going to decorate it and make it pretty. Anytime you have a problem or an issue or a feeling we're going to write it down we're going to fold it up I'm going to put it in the jar we're going to put the top on it we're going to give it to God. The difference and doing that as an adult and doing that is a 10 year old child is completely different. I think I really learned you have an issue you have a problem you have an emotion you put it up you fold it up and you put it in the jar and it just goes away and gets taken care of. It doesn't all she's done is written it down and expressed it and made it big and then you folded it up really really tiny and tight and then you put it into a little object you stuffed it in there with all the other little pieces of paper all the other emotions and all the other problems and you put a cap on it and you walked away there was no processing there was no learning you just walked away.

psychonaut

I think maybe those little people that are the psychonauts are right on target seeking love in the moment and all that they do and it is that love that is the moment in all that we do and it is a beautiful thing and they use that powerful trip to connect and to be and then they live a life in each moment with loving care and they get lost in the world again in the world comes in in the craziness that is the way that we are because we live a life out of balance and that's the nature of our lives and so they go and they psycho not and they return to love the problem I think for me is I never understood it I'm never understood love my definition of love is correct and seeing the universe I still didn't understand what I was seeing but the psychonauts today they understand and they see and they live in the world and they try to build a better one each moment each day to be free yeah I like it

loving care

Okay so this all started a few days ago the flu that I've ever had except for when I came back from China it's just nasty bad evil flu so I am making some tea I woke up in the middle of the night with sweats and soak through and it started shaking so jumped up ran around chasing clothes got into the dry bed and shook and shook and shook and very strange with everything's been related to movies and in the movie Glory Denzel Washington is a slave that is joined the northern army the time of the civil war to fight for freedom the great movie if you've not seen it Matthew Broderick based on a true story so Washington gets out of camp and gets caught they bring him in we found a dessert so deserters get lashes no questions so the time up take off his shirt and you can see his body is no stranger to the whip the first crack and you can see the flinch but not really his upper lip does that little Elvis thing and the next one is upper lip just does that little Elvis thing just that little twitch says I can take it you can't break me I can take it I don't want to take it but I can take it I'm ready for you to stop but if you give me another I can take so that night friend of Washington the reason he was out was not to deserve was to go look for a pair of socks because your people haven't given us shoes or socks or provisions so Matthew Broderick goes in raises hell and gets everything they need anyway that twitch you can throw anything you want at me I'm going to take it and all's I really have to show you is that little tiny twitch and then I would shake violently and so I thought about that twitch and I would shake and I would think about that twitch and I wouldn't shake and I would spasm and twitch and it seemed out so we're looking at p okay so now laying in bed I've stopped twitching my body calmed down my temperature is regulating back to whatever it is at this point who knows and I start thinking about caring I realized a couple weeks ago I don't care I have approached life basically as I just don't care whatever happens happens I have no control over what happens I have no influence over what happened why should I care and little guy came along and said no you're wrong you have to care what do you mean you have to care because that's not what you all teach no no you've missed her you care I care deeply with love loving care your definition of care and my definition of care are too completely different things your definition of care seems to be rooted in oh Jesus colonialism who knows I don't know so the loving care that I'm talking about is loving the moment being in the moment deep Loving Care for life love love and care for all for you you don't care about you you've destroyed your body you've destroyed your relationships not with any intention you didn't do it intentionally it was not a it was just that you didn't care you forgot to love but I love I love yeah no that's not right well because your definition of love is not the definition of love you're definition of Love is something much different I don't know what that is either yet we'll get to that in the future so loving care love and care Loving Care so the hang on I'm coming together with it the tea so nice which brings us to the story so I'm making now some bare root tea bear like yeah it's a osha Root I think it's OSHA and it's up potent it's probably one of my favorite fruits it's got a wonderful smell thick and hearty dents the flavors good it burns beautifully so when you have the flu you drink bear routine when you're congested you burn the root of the bare root it helps so way back when not even 40 years ago 60 years now it's been longer than that but 120 years ago they didn't have Walgreens and CVS so they didn't have pharmapia they had pharmakopia and so he would go out and gather what you needed in order to take care of your body and someone discovered very I'm going to say 2000 years ago longer because it is a wonderful healer I'm not preparing it correctly but I have what I have and I'm going to utilize what I can utilize so I've grounded up or sliced it up a little bit and chopped it and whatever and boiled some water let it see boiling some water and let it boil some water and let it see we'll get about a half of a cup of this delicious nectar so loving care story a little fellow said something to do and here's the question he said well do you care no that's not whatever responses so no I don't care that's the problem we've been having this conversation about love and care and your first response got early is no you don't care because your definition of care is still wrong Loving Care do you care no do you care Loving Care yes that's the key Loving Care so all this time you've approached the world in the last 30 years with your little stupid religion and your little stupid friends and you never listened well Loving Care yeah okay it's Loving Care yeah I get it no loving care everything is done with love all you are is love forever and ever it's love see Love No Love be Love who cares love you've been saying that silly thing from that Dr bronner's yeah okay feel sore yeah that's just the visual that sits in the shower every morning to remind you heal the mind heal the body all the emotion heal the spirit heal the body heal the mind heal the motions heal the spirit how love and care that's it love and care you don't have to do anything no except Loving Care okay the task is not hard

fantasy

So I'm wondering if someone has a fantasy about another person sexual in nature and they vision I guess the experience. The ACT is solo but what if the fantasy is manifest in the spiritual realm and what does consent look like in that realm. And is that even a thing.

intrinsic motivation

So what is the motivation behind doing. I find myself wondering if I should help at what point is help needed and good and at what point is help trying to manipulate a situation. I don't know to what degree those whole true so if I help just to help. No ties no expectations just help. Is that proper.

I wonder as to sex and companionship. That desire to be with someone. The lonely. It grows and subsides but seems to be a constant and my mind returns to it over and over. But there is none that fit the ideal.. anyone would be good just to get with. The fantasy vs the reality vs being ready

the case

https://www.instagram.com/p/CLV0Dp4n0zf/?igshid=1ijf3kp33u9qc

If this is the case why are there not thousands of Nickelodeon Teslas on the planet right now we're evolving into a higher species. We're coming to see and know ourselves and how the universe works. We're growing and evolving and becoming. It seems in the past we were and that got lost. And now we need to grow again. So on occasion people wake up to enlightenment. Maybe this is a strange curves. The

care

I won't do what I need to do in order to take care of myself. I've always had somebody to take care of me.

reality

Wondering why we invent systems of belief? To bring comfort. To explain what can not be explained. Every culture has and does. man's search for meaning...

The big universal questions. And answers come in moments... Maybe if at all. 

how am I doing

So this morning at breakfast Laura asked how I was doing. After pause I said I'm just doing okay no big deal everything's all right. And that's just not really the truth. That feeling of loneliness it's heavy and it's not pleasant just being alone is painful in a way. I'm just tired of being that way. Companionship something physical fantasies fulfilled who knows.

Stay the Course

What is the course? Where do I want to be compared to where I am now? Where am I now? Where do I want to be at retirement? What do I want my life to look like? 

Setting forth on the path is small steps. Movement forward and backwards and serpentine and straight. Choosing a direction and going with it. 

I think it is most difficult for me to imagine life as I would like it to be. What do I want in five years, seven years, twenty years...The idea of living in the present but preparing for the future. Seeking the balance to enjoy both. 

House: There is a desire to build a self sustaining garage apartment behind the house. Rent the house or the apartment. Is it worth the $40,000+/- investment in the property? Take out the existing garage and storage shed. Build out a garden and outdoor space. Fence between the neighbors. The house is in decent shape. It will need a new roof, new siding, and new AC unit in the next decade. 

Vehicle: The Tacoma has 260,000 miles on it and it is running well. How many more years? I put away $500 a month for a new car into a mutual fund. The subaru crosstrek or outback is top of the list or a new small truck. Being able to haul a trailer seems important. Think a fifth wheel Scamp would be my choice on a nice pull behind for camping.

Trips and vacations: I would really like to be able to go somewhere for three months at a time. Immerse into a place. The thought of living somewhere else is tempting but I do not want to be tied to a place I think.  I put $200 a month into a travel fund. I also deposit any oil royalty checks into the travel account. Annual trip to South Dakota with $200 going into an account for that purpose.

The studio: It is working. It is a lot of work. In seven years is it still going to be something I want to do on a daily basis. Can I find someone to be there full time? What is the cost/benefit ratio? It is not a money making proposition, in that we spend nearly everything we make. I save to purchase large items. I would have to find a way to make enough money each year to cover my expenses and the salary of someone else. The studio does cover a few personal monthly expenses; gas and electricity for the house and gas/repairs for the truck.

Accounts: There are studio and personal accounts.

Accounts	Balance Jan 2020
Citizens Personal Checking	$978.19
Citizens Personal Savings	$2,503.54
Citizens Truck Fund	$2,004.13
Citizen House Fund	$2,392.24
RCB Personal Checking	$1,439.88
Wells Fargo Checking (South Dakota)	$3,995.59
Wells Fargo Savings (South Dakota)	$1,476.29
HSBC Vacation Account	$5,435.63

Studio

Citizens BSS Checking	$7,820.64
Citizens BSS Savings	$10,177.15
RCB BSS	$18,825.15
RCB BSS Savings	$17,354.04

Investing: Besides retirement accounts there is a mutual fund for saving for a new vehicle. 

Vanguard VFIAX

$500 per month for Auto

$55,185.38

Retirement: With a fairly shallow investment pool I should be okay for a bit. Between teacher retirement (2027) and Social Security (2032?) and Safe Withdrawal things should be okay if everything goes well. 

Vanguard Roth IRA	$7000 per year	$97,513.53
Vanguard SIMPLE IRA through BSS	$824 per month	$87,457.40
Vanguard 403b	No deposits possible	$138,415.12

Income: Paycheck from school ($46931.92), three oil royalty checks (into Travel Account), studio pay goes into SIMPLE IRA account ($824/month). 

Expenses: Personal expenses and studio expenses. I spend a lot on dining as I eat out nearly every meal. There was a small remodel on the house with painting, new floors and plumbing work.

BSS Expenses	2020		Personal Expenses	2020
Art Festivals	$350.00
Bank Fee	$163.98		Bank Fees	40.53
Batch	$6,659.24		Cash	60
Cash	$120.00		clothing	1159.21
Color	$6,382.10		cpa	325
Consumable	$14,910.32		dentist	580
Dining	$84.61		Dining	13595.71
Donations	$102.20		entertainment	19.01
Gallery Fees	$300.00		gas	294.96
Gas	$849.18		Gift	1496.36
Gift	$510.93		Groceries	3131.17
H2O	$286.11		HBE	2394.67
Insurance	$2,237.32		House	13554.47
Internet Services (Google)	$288.00		Insurance	4459.64
Internet (phone)	$2,271.47		Memberships	30
Memberships	$303.63		Mobile Phone	1101
OGE	$11,555.85		Security	588.32
ONG	$3,243.60		Shipping AE	343.65
RJ - Contract	$10,950.00		taxes	1528.23
Refund	$320.00		therapy	1157
Rent	$10,200.00		Transfers - HHB	1840
Retirement	$9,888.00		Travel	88.94
RB sales	$120.00		truck	237.61
RM - Contract	$19,200.00		Utilities	898.06
Shipping	$172.12			48923.54
Storage RV (Sold)	$425.84
taxes	$11,481.27
Taxes - CPA	$1,150.00
Transfer HSBC	$1,200.00
Travel	$76.26
Truck	$358.92
	$116,160.95