my nature

So what is it about me that idealizes contact and kindness in mistakes that for a longing and a desire. The kindness shown by a barista making my coffee and smiling and saying have a good day there is a connection that is deep. Somehow they have fulfilled a need within me and by fulfilling that need they have become attached to my desires. How to let go of those desires how to let go of the wanting.

pursuit

Desire. The root of suffering is desire. End desire...

The pursuit makes for being loved.the illusion of being loved. The knowing that there is no possibility of communion leads to a horrible dynamic within of this cycle of desire.nothing good comes from it.

what is best

I do not know what is best I honestly think that it's really good. But it's not fulfilling. I don't know what more I want and then esoterically not wanting is the key so when I don't want and it's really nice. There are certainly things I desire that aren't fulfilled. The ease of being alone is really nice.

So if they knew the real you and wanted to investigate the parts of you that you keep to yourself, then you might work a little harder at the relationship part because you are getting the nourishment you need...  

authentic self

Realizing today that to be the authentic self you have to know who you are period for years and years I've only been what I thought other people wanted me to be. So in a sense I don't know who I am in that authentic at the core. I don't know how to find that self.