Intamacy

 So I am wondering what it is that makes me think that I am only loved when someone has sex with me. 

That is to say. I want to have sex with someone. I know that it would be a bad idea. And yet I pursue the relationship if only in my mind. Obsess over it. Ponder it. Try to manipulate any situation into leading into the bedroom. 

Why in trying to be honorable and not have sex with mara and to manipulate the situation and it would not be a good idea to have sex. Where might that lead or give her or me hope for something more. And so it is known it would be a bad idea and yet I am so offended that she does not invite me into the bedroom. 

The death of ego

 So I have always thought ego was this big massive thing. "he has a big ego" I was not aware that ego is also small and insidious and a liar. 

Ego tells me I am not worthy. Ego tells me I am not lovable. Ego says don't even try you will fail. Ego says pay it a nevermind. 

What did Stuart Smalley say... I am good enough and gosh darn it people like me. 

I have dismissed the lessons for so long It is like learning them all over again or hearing for the first time in that understanding is maybe taking place. 

The difference in knowing the path and living the path. 

I wonder if having gone through and done and lived but the ego keeps me from becoming who I am, the whole me, the fully capable of me. And the ego forces the Me in to a mediocracy. 

So the ego has to go. It can not have a hold on me and my life any longer. It is time to let go of the lies and to live fully. 

 

alone and like

So the idea of liking oneself...

Talking the other day had the realization that I really just don't like myself. Part of it may be I just don't know myself. And then it brings up the why would you spend time with someone that you do not like. And that circle's back to being alone when I'm alone I'm the only person I'm spending time with. And that's miserable. When I'm with someone else I don't have to be alone with me.