ego

Wondering now if the I'm not worthy nobody loves me I'm a goofball negative talk wondering if that plays into when I express those things to others they give comfort they say no that's not true no this is why where is that a defense mechanism that has been turned into a way to Garner sympathy friendship to build up self-esteem so that's an odd not catch-22 but it's an odd expression seeking positive reinforcement

Intamacy

 So I am wondering what it is that makes me think that I am only loved when someone has sex with me. 

That is to say. I want to have sex with someone. I know that it would be a bad idea. And yet I pursue the relationship if only in my mind. Obsess over it. Ponder it. Try to manipulate any situation into leading into the bedroom. 

Why in trying to be honorable and not have sex with mara and to manipulate the situation and it would not be a good idea to have sex. Where might that lead or give her or me hope for something more. And so it is known it would be a bad idea and yet I am so offended that she does not invite me into the bedroom. 

The death of ego

 So I have always thought ego was this big massive thing. "he has a big ego" I was not aware that ego is also small and insidious and a liar. 

Ego tells me I am not worthy. Ego tells me I am not lovable. Ego says don't even try you will fail. Ego says pay it a nevermind. 

What did Stuart Smalley say... I am good enough and gosh darn it people like me. 

I have dismissed the lessons for so long It is like learning them all over again or hearing for the first time in that understanding is maybe taking place. 

The difference in knowing the path and living the path. 

I wonder if having gone through and done and lived but the ego keeps me from becoming who I am, the whole me, the fully capable of me. And the ego forces the Me in to a mediocracy. 

So the ego has to go. It can not have a hold on me and my life any longer. It is time to let go of the lies and to live fully. 

 

alone and like

So the idea of liking oneself...

Talking the other day had the realization that I really just don't like myself. Part of it may be I just don't know myself. And then it brings up the why would you spend time with someone that you do not like. And that circle's back to being alone when I'm alone I'm the only person I'm spending time with. And that's miserable. When I'm with someone else I don't have to be alone with me.

collective consciousness

So reading today in the theory of collective consciousness all of mankind resides in a place of being while we're not on this planet as a human our consciousness is with the whole we're not separate from the whole we are not a one consciousness as part of a whole we are the collective consciousness. So when people have an experience of a past life that is the collective consciousness life all lives are part of that collective consciousness. so when somebody says well why do you only come back at somebody who was famous. That is the strong memory we don't necessarily remember or reflect upon the mundane we remember and reflect upon the moments of heightened awareness or special times. So those are the memories we have of the past life. so when somebody says well I think I must have been a native American in my past life yes we all are in the collective consciousness that makes up who we are and when we come back to earth as a human being and we have an experience we know we've had that experience before as part of the collective consciousness. And if you extrapolate out not even past lives but our collective consciousness of today with just the people who are here we have experienced everything that everyone experiences at that moment.

reprogram

So we are reprogramming the human species at the cellular level. Becoming who we are meant to be or The next step in The evolutionary chain. I'm wondering if cancer is the fight of the universe to prevent that reprogramming from happening. I think about the people I know that have passed on or fought and at what is that disease it makes it prohibitive

allobe

So woke up 3:00 to a dream of being on Mars that alone mission to Mars and not really me being the person at Mars but me going to help find that person so not real sure what all that was but then her talking earlier tonight I think that the quote that keeps going through my head is I can't be the person that they need me to be. 

And then the other one was something abou and they can't be what I need period And I think that that's what the personal is I'm not capable of being period and is that the thing within me I'm not capable of beingt

becoming

What do I want to be? 

Wants

And needs

And desires

Want to wake up tangled together

Want to walk the beach

Want to ride a motorcycle 

We know that we are God and yet we fear becoming

We know that we are capable and yet we fear becoming

We know and yet we doubt

Debt - Finances - Studio - Saving

 Life choices create who we are and where we are going. We made choices along the way and those choices impact the future. 

There is a lot to unpack here. 

The House

The Studio

Savings

Investments 

Retirement 

Life

When I moved to Cape Cod I met some of who would become the most influential people in my life. Everything in my life took a turn there. My friend Scott was a chef. Accomplished. Very skilled. One of the best. Somehow or another he came to inherit some money, about $10,000. At the time more then any of us would see again for a very long time. So Scott bought a used BMW I don't know how much it was and he had a really nice old Impala it was a great car but I think that external status symbol if having a BMW there are something about it. So fast forward a few years and Scott was living in Colorado and met Doris and got married and the story he told me that his wedding about meeting Doris one of the things that concerned her was he didn't have anything. So he bought that car and that's a symbol of the way that we were he was I am and there was no future to be ready for there was no savings there was no and it wasn't an impulse it was a just living. And that that living gets in the way of having a life there's nothing wrong with it it's a great way to be the things that Doris wanted versus the things that Scott wanted she was prepared. You have a house you have a down payment you have responsibility you have a retirement fund you prepare for the future all of the time living moment to moment day to day there's no consideration for the future. So how can we do both have great consideration for the future and due day today moment to moment living. The the way of being known I'm stuck.

So thinking about finances the Dave Ramsey method saving baby steps doing envelopes whatever there's a method to achieve different way of being with money. Things I agree with things I don't agree with it's hard to tell. I think for normal people it's almost unattainable. To be debt free. To not have to worry about or the next is coming from. The success stories are often not very realistic. So how do you quote on quote when with money I have no idea.

My experience has been up and down life everything so financially 2007 I was in the divorce and realistically walked away with $5,000, a dilapidated RV, and my glass blowing equipment. I think I had $18,000 left on the truck I don't remember what my payment was a month. I moved in with my cousin didn't pay any rent.

I restarted the glass studio downtown Oklahoma City still living with my cousin and then started looking for a house. So just down the street from the studio I found a house for sale around $50,000. $1,350 square feet and it did not require any immediate repairs. So I got a loan for the mortgage 15 year fixed rate I don't know what the APR was from Bank of America enrolled my credit card debt and my truck payment into a loan that I could pay off using the truck for collateral so all of only had one bill that way. And I started making payments to pay everything down and get it paid off it took 2 years I'm not sure to pay off the bank loan and then it took 7 years to pay off the house. So at that point no more rent no more mortgage just daily living expenses. So doing that on a teacher salary at the time when I started that was making about 30,000 a year . I think teaching you get about $100 $150 a year step increase race in Oklahoma.

So I see on the internet the fire financial Independence retire early I just that's certainly not a possibility. I see the Forbes article that was a million dollars to retire is kind of the set desire and they ask people how long how much money they would need a year in retirement and they said $130,000 a year. A million dollars is going to last about 7 years. So in that case you can never really retire. How is it possible to spend $130,000 a year. That from somebody's making currently like $40,000 a year and then make any sense.

objective

The objective is to not prevent or protect people from the virus the objective is to contain it

my nature

So what is it about me that idealizes contact and kindness in mistakes that for a longing and a desire. The kindness shown by a barista making my coffee and smiling and saying have a good day there is a connection that is deep. Somehow they have fulfilled a need within me and by fulfilling that need they have become attached to my desires. How to let go of those desires how to let go of the wanting.

pursuit

Desire. The root of suffering is desire. End desire...

The pursuit makes for being loved.the illusion of being loved. The knowing that there is no possibility of communion leads to a horrible dynamic within of this cycle of desire.nothing good comes from it.

what is best

I do not know what is best I honestly think that it's really good. But it's not fulfilling. I don't know what more I want and then esoterically not wanting is the key so when I don't want and it's really nice. There are certainly things I desire that aren't fulfilled. The ease of being alone is really nice.

So if they knew the real you and wanted to investigate the parts of you that you keep to yourself, then you might work a little harder at the relationship part because you are getting the nourishment you need...  

authentic self

Realizing today that to be the authentic self you have to know who you are period for years and years I've only been what I thought other people wanted me to be. So in a sense I don't know who I am in that authentic at the core. I don't know how to find that self.

god fearing

So we know we are god. Connected to the center since the beginning of time through for the ever.

 we were taught to be god fearing. If we fear God we fear ourselves.

cypher

So do you think when Morpheus pulled cipher out of the matrix to be in the real world that Morpheus thought cipher was the one . How did cipher discover he was not the one. Enter

So how does no I think everyone wants to be the one. What does it do to a person when the realization comes that they are not. Or is that just the illusion because they are truly capable of being the one. What is it letting go of ego pride fear . What does an embrace love acceptance to become the one.

Couple that with the line ,we are going to kill him... Neo was not the "first" the one they thought they had released.

being honest

I'm wondering about how to be more honest the best not to say anything at all versus what do I need how do I express those things. So I'm wondering what do I need.

So I found myself wanting to say things knowing that the time was not right the place was not right and feeling like what I had to say would just fall on deaf ears. There was one day I tried to say how I was feeling in the reply that I received I felt badly about having felt or said what I did. So that makes me not want to open up anymore. That vulnerability the fear in the vulnerability. So that feeling of taking care of myself and expressing what I need gets put to the back again and maybe that's where it is and always has been maybe that's why I don't say anything at all. In protecting myself I'm actually doing myself a lot more harm.

take a way

So I remember in eighth grade we took a trip to Washington DC. I had on a brand new white polo shirt. We got chocolate ice cream early on the start of our tour day. I spilled chocolate ice cream down the front of my shirt. so I had to wear that all day long.

So my takeaway was don't ever wear white I wonder what my takeaway would have been no I wonder what my being would be like if my takeaway were don't eat chocolate ice cream.

as god

Why is our first impulse to deny the divine that we are. We know we are god. Of the same thread and weave and cloth. Yet when presented with "he is god" the answer is no, certainly not. How to get us to change our core response to yes.

Does this stem from the thought that we are not "capable" of the same things we atribute to God?

In that same vein, how do we know we are not healing and manifesting love with each step and breath.

things missed

I think it is the things that we were promised that we could do have not come to pass. And I wonder why we were promised those things and why they are not manifest. Why can we not heal. Why can we not float walk on water transcend. It's a strange world in which we live. What do we need to do in order to transcend.

Healing

 I have been thinking lately as to cancer and it's destruction. 

Jesus promised us that whoever believed in him could do the things that he does. 

When a loved one gets cancer and is sick and dying. Those behind are giving in love and peace and healing and seek to cure the loved ones. Just as Jesus did. 

Is our faith not strong enough? Where did we fail? Why am I not worthy?

be open

Sit and be open. 

Let go of the past

Stop looking to the future

Know the empty feeling is simply illusion

Loneliness is too

Be the bright white light

colonization

So I think one of the things that has me thinking now scared maybe period if the native Americans mesoamericans had beautiful cultures enlightenment in a way not found anywhere else. They thrived and survived in harmony with one another and with nature. Granted there were some horrible things but generally overall we look at it as an ID like time and place. So when colonization happened people at a lower frequency came in and dominated and overthrew a people that were vibrating at a higher frequency. My thought would be that the higher frequency would win but that's not the case and so that's a fear now period in that if we evolve to a higher frequency we won't have a defense against those who wish to dominate us.

irony

Okay so I wonder we come to this plane of existence in order to have the human experience to suffer maybe it suffers not the right word for it anymore to be human to have emotion to have all of the things anger resentment love happiness so.

We come to this plane for that human experience and to evolve into a higher spiritual place but once we evolve into that higher spiritual place will no longer be having that human experience so we're defeating the purpose of why we're here as we pursue higher spiritual

empty

I don't know what it is but I just feel incredibly sad and lonely. Just kind of empty. And it's not all the time actually it is all the time . Is this heavy weight of emptiness. I wonder if it was always there and I just filled it up with other things.

ordinary two

So the thoughts on being an ordinary person. How do you be ordinary in the world everybody's ordinary everybody's of the same some people are special everyone is special in their own way but since people gifted summer ordinary and it makes us not less than or worse or not as good and they're no better it seems like a very big constraint and construction of the mind that is the definition of things you cannot have definitions people ideas into little boxes and their little boxes don't exist so the first step there is going to be the breakout of that thinking.

It's going to require a force of change but within the Dynamics of the culture noriel we've become this how we are 

So to think about the question of being ordinary the things that we do in our daily life the way that we are the acceptance of who we are and what we can do and then I think the most important is striving to become something better something greater new knowledge new learning new information it doesn't make us less than what we were used to be or more than what we used to be that's really a weird one

coalesce

Imagine a beautiful day walking around the sky so blue grass green sense of lilac and Jasmine and honeysuckle fill the air feel the piece of the universe then you begin to see clouds roll across the horizon foreboding know gentle rolling beautiful clouds but 

So is the clouds continue to roll they turn from white to dark and dark and dark and black and that darkness has the anger in the fear resentments self-doubt and knowing being too big being too little the darkness rules and roles but within the darkness in the darkness of those clouds there is a seed tiny tiny seeds of Hope

dark not scary at all and you know when rain comes the the moisture the droplets coalesce together in a cloud perform a drop imagine now those clouds that are forming above you good moisturizer that is coalescing into the drop that moisture is that moisture is peace that moisture is forgiveness all of those individual little tiny bits begin to call us and come together they join and become weighted in fall it is the rain falls and touches your body hit you in the face coach your skin it imparts to you that piece the hope the forgiveness infusion you with a new life in the new purpose

ordinary

Can an ordinary person have and nurture a direct connection did the divine?

That is to say those people who seemed to effort effort effort effort Leslie maintain that connection there's something different or special or more than ordinary about were they once ordinary people where have they always been that special?

What allows someone to become within the divine?

Once in a while we get a glimpse of what could be only then to return to an ordinary life

invite

So trying to figure out what we are I'm waiting for an invitation to come in.

The invitation that I learned that I have to be invited and I'm very hesitant to go where I'm not invited the so I don't know what I want and I don't know what you want I know that there are some things that I want I know what I would like to happen and then the fear and anxiety and what it is that I want it to happen is just in this moment going forward I don't know that that's what I want to happen so can we do a day-by-day moment by moment I don't know

birthday night

Well I was really hoping do you were going to ask me to stay.

So that didn't happen and I don't know what that means if it means anything I don't know if we're he closer to knowing where we're at and what we're going to do I don't know if we're miles apart or on the same track or I just don't know so we need to find out that question what makes you happy quote will make you happy.

I don't know what would make me happy. I do think that I'm not not happy. I don't know that there's anything that would just make me happy that sentence earlier I read today about the enlightened ones the two I can't remember yo Sean Nathan the name and that enlightenment that comes with just knowing and there's nothing else for me here versus the enlightenment of the that says I'm here to help others I'm here to serve it's interesting that there are two Dynamics to that enlightenment you must be others as well and being interesting to explore

hollow bone

So we have the idea of the hollow bone we ask that the spirit make us as a hollow bone so that the universe Mesa flow flow through us to allow the self to be out of the way and creation to come through I didn't understand what the hollow bone was.

I think the hollow bone is US prepared it is the person who has done the work to get rid of those things within themselves let's stop the flow of the universe anger fear resentment something that starts with an a those things have to be cleaned from the inside of the bone in order to be of use.so what is the work that needs to be done to become a hollow bone

?

realize

So I realized today that I don't want to move my things out of the other house because I feel like the more that I move the less likely it will be that I'll return to that place

The other thing that I think about is did I plan in my head to be finished with the relationship and then I think sometimes yes sometimes no but the proof that I didn't want the relationship to end is I didn't have anybody in the wings and that is a Hallmark of getting out of a relationship for me

expectation

So in the expectation what what did I think was going to happen versus what's going to happen versus what did happen. So what is the difference in want and desire and expectation. Yeah I know what I wanted and it's certainly not going to be what happened and I knew that that wouldn't be what was going to happen but somewhere in my mind I was really hoping that would happen. So it's sort of like being stuck setting myself up for disappointment and Sawyer and loneliness.

I don't know what we are and I don't know if hope we are warrants the investment of time and energy 2 see what happens next

Once again I wonder if I'm actually the right one did I withdrawal because of me that I withdraw because of her trying to protect myself bored I don't know what what I'm not sure and then that before to reconcile how do I not go back to that attitude life

It seems like a which came first did I get into that way of being to Xscape I don't know the purpose why YB so closed how do you not go back into that state how do you remain open overtime

maintaining nance

So I'm really wondering if we've gotten to a place of maintenance so this place in their relationship where it's just good we talk we have dinner but it's like a just a friendship I'm not sure what it's a a nod there is love there but there's not any commitment or dap's maybe I don't know what the right word is getting together once a week for dinner and I mow the lawn I don't know that that's sustainable either but is it building or is it fading does it matter in some ways it feels like I'm forcing it's something to be there I don't know it's strange

16 lessons

So I was just thinking about the 16 chokecherry branches in the 16 chokecherry branches the 32 There are 16 lessons to be learned in this life there are 16 lessons to be learned in the spiritual life

I've always thought that the spiritual life was a separate life separate place a separate being just the place after we go when we die so I think now the physical life that we have is a human being in the spiritual life that we have is a human being they're one just like the separation of God from ourselves so we have the 16 lessons in the physical the 16 lessons in the spiritual but they coexist at the same time together

hold on

So I think maybe it's time for me to come and collect all of my things I don't know what is left. But I think it's time it's the holding on to a dream that I'm not sure I'll be able to continue to live so maybe even getting all the things moving back into my place and making it a home I can heal.

I want to be with you but I realize that you don't want me there with you so I need to let that go. Whatever it may be that we are I need to let that go so it can either live is a dream or fade away but I can't continue to hold on to the dream

the work

I don't want to do the work I just want the results

There are so many examples cleaning the floor it requires you to get down on your hands and knees and scrub to get it clean I'll go to the store and buy five different products that are supposed to clean the floor that don't because it requires the work of scrubbing.

I want to lose 40 lb I don't want to work out I don't want to eat right I don't want to give up sugar and don't want to give up bread I want the result I don't want to do the work.

I want to have a relationship I want to be in a relationship I want to have a loving caring ability but I'm not willing to do the work to maintain or to be in the relationship.

It's like when I'm doing something I do it halfway or I get it done but it's not pretty or there's always something left behind so nothing's ever really complete.

Spiritually or can I take a shortcut to get to the end or do I have to do on a daily basis to get there I don't read books I don't devote myself to meditation I dabble in play a bit but don't want to do the work to get to the end result part of it what is the end result

How does that tie into no joy no happiness how does that tie into what do I want wanting something requires work wanting something requires time and effort by not wanting I don't have to do the work.

So where does that come how do I Foster and develop the work? by doing.

4th grade classroom by choice. I just did not work.

Does this relate to having to be happy when doing chores?

victim

I am the victim. 

Example. 

Mara calls my mom to let her know we are separated. She is taking care of herself in that way. I knew she was going to call but did not know when. 

I get a call from my mom saying she heard and was sad and if I needed anything. 

My victim says why did Mara not warn me? Mara does not care for my feelings or how it will impact me? 

The thing is how in any way could her actions make me a victim. They can not. 

Forgive forgive forgive. It's time to forgive myself release the shame and the guilt around actions that I take release the anger the fear that I keep inside release the bondage of self it's time to be free those things not forgive forgive forgive forgiveness of the self

And then forgive the others 4 perceived Injustice has perceived wrongs I don't need to carry that forward through any more relationships the ones I have now the ones I've had in the past the ones for the future forgive forgive forgive

Just wondering if that God isn't finished with me yet that mindset that so I reached the point where I just gave up progressing and I just gave up moving forward not content where I am but not discontent where I am just there but just there was nowhere like to be just there in the esoteric sense of enlightenment that would be great but to be just there and not have any esoteric enlightenment is just being without purpose that may be it being without purpose so what is my special purpose

So is it possible to be not miserable alone but to be miserable without someone?

So the big grand gestures like Forrest Gump running across the United States eight times that's a big Grand gesture so my thought what do I want to do I want to walk for peace does that mean I have to walk across the United States eight times in a big Grand gesture or does it mean that I walk around the neighborhood at night and I contemplate in the hole in my heart I contemplate in hold in my heart love contemplate and hold in my heart forgiveness and maybe those are the grand gestures

Authentic Self

What do I want? 

Over and over again. I do not know what I want. Give me a checklist of the good qualities on life and Yes, I want all of those good things. Yes, I want finicail stability. I want a happy home and harmonious relationships. To be free of the anger, resentment and fear that seems to have a grip on me overshadowing the good. 

What do I not want? 

What is it time to let go of? What can I do to facilitate letting go?

The being as it is no longer works. 

No, i take that back it works. It works well. But the outcomes it produces is no longer the outcome I desire. 

removing the armor. It has been a theme for years and years, The knight with rusty armor. 

A crack in the stone. a fissure. 

Letting out the essence within. 

when we heat the rocks. The beginning. We give life back to Inyan. What he spent in creation he gave his life. Still present with the heat of the fire. the preparation of the ceremony brings him back into being. 

loneliness

What lesson in loneliness? 

I wonder if Mara was lonely even when we were together. I led a life that made her alone. 

What do I have to learn?

No distractions from myself. And yet I still will not look within to the problem. 

operation meyham

So in looking at the news today with the antifa group being arrested in Portland by militarized agents input into unmarked cars what if they're doing that to themselves they're having them among themselves gathered up for the conspiracy part but it sure does feel a lot like operation mayhem has commenced and the fight club boys are going wild it's a strange sing the world in which we live

relationship

So relationship out of what drive Fidelity righteousness what what is the right thing to do do I wait find out what is the relationship for Maura and I and then waiting just be

Or is this time this not knowing do I just go out and seek and do and find and misbehave I don't know what the right word for would be because this is not a separation of my choosing but that's not right either because I brought about that separation through my actions laid the groundwork for that separation and lack of emotional availability lack of intimacy lack of trust fear so we haven't spoken as to fly north what we are I still feel a respect until the respect the respect that I have for the relationship and for her needs to be honored and accepted within me then I can decide which I would like to do how do I want to be and until we figure out what we are of course that's can change and mutable Italy right now is right now so that's it

easy wind

Swinging that shiny black steel Jack Hammer. 

Breaking up rocks for the great highway. 

Live five years if I take my time ballin that Jack and drinking that wine.

In the essence of suffering our daily existence what we experience as a human all those traits and wave being the word for it. So are suffering

So the great highway I'm drawn to that archway through which we pass a free man but there's another passage that talks about a highway the the rocks that's our wall and we're given spiritual tools to break down those walls that spiritual tool is that shiny black steel jackhammer

I keep going back to,  you will have me back if I change but what if this is the real me? 

tyranny

I read a post how wearing a mask or excuse me being forced to wear a mask is tyranny from the government. In an earlier post the same person was talking about the black lives matter movement and how it was not right. It got me to thinking tyranny opression from the government is exactly what the black lives movement is fighting against. The cognitive dissonance is deafening.

There and back again

I am wondering if maybe the buddha had it wrong. Seeking to be free of desire and attachment. It seems to make living in the world and being with others a difficult task. 

gone girl

the other night i was planning my disappearance. it was coming along well until i realized it was just gone girl

Owning a dog

I do not want to have a dog. I take that back, it would be great to have a dog. Just not everything that goes along with having a dog. They die, they get given away, they run away... all of those things. To love something knowing it is going to get gone at some point seems self destructive. 

Realized a couple of nights ago having a partner is the same thing. There is great love but you know it is going to end so all along the way protective barriers are erected in order to protect the self from the enveitalbe. 

but then but putting up the security, putting on the armor, causes the pain.

sasquatch

yesterday at the Sasquatch, there were two children at the table waiting for snow cones. The young man was playing with the umbrella, raising and lowering it and spinning it around. They young lady was asking him for a turn to play. He continued to antagonize her by turning the umbrella not letting her have a turn. She got madder and madder and stood on top of the table and started kicking the boy as he violently shook the umbrella.
At this point I raised my voice and said "I am going to ask you two to stop playing like that. You need to stop that behavior". They did stop.
The mother was about three feet away from the table waiting for the snow cones. She was very upset that I would discipline her children in this way. That they had special needs. She said she would have paid for the umbrella if they would have broken it. I did not have a right to intervene in the situation.
I do feel like it is my duty to try to intervene in behaviors of others that is not appropriate. We have a social contract on behavior. It takes a village is one of the sayings that was very popular not long ago.

time and space

Time and space are. Everything happens all at once. 

Wondering if those visits we get seeing someone in the pariffery, angels, spirit, 

Those are us. When we remember when we cast back. We are there. We return to that place and our presence becomes known. Do we provide a nudge, change an decision or outcome, bring comfort in moment.

Dad

Mom called last night. They went to the doctor last week as my dad was feeling low energy. His blood pressure was low so they adjusted some medication. They went to the heart doctor on Monday and his injection projection is low, around 25 whereas 50 is normal. About 25 years ago he had cardio myopithi. At the time there was nothing much that could be done. A new experimental pacemaker was in development, a biventenicular device. He had it installed and made good recovery. My friend Billy always tells the story about going to the hospital and visiting back then. They gave him six months at that time. Billy tells it better.
So we will have to see what happens. There is a new medication that is supposed to help.

Retirement Planning

It is difficult to forsee the future. I think that is one of the things that holds me back a bit. What is the future going to look like? Who knows. Writing this now to get down and share my thoughts and plan.

I have been saving in earnest towards retirement for a while, maybe the past ten years. At 52, it is not a very long while to have been saving for retirement. I did have a IRA account through my school but rules changed and I could no longer contribute to that account so it has sat dormant since. I was not happy with the high percentage cost IRA's they offered after that so stopped contributions in that way. I do have a pension through the teachers retirement system. It is a good program if one continues to teach for the full thirty years on the rule of 90. Retiring from teaching after twenty years, not so much. 

I read a bit. The Mr. Money Mustache , I just found Get Rich Slowly, The Dave Ramsey fellow. It is all a bit overwhelming and too much. Today, I found a good article on $1000 a month in retirement, basically it is necessary to have $240,000 in an account earning at least 5% return in order to pull out $1000 a month. For every $1000 a month desired, one needs $240,000 in a "retirement" account.

In many ways retirement wise I am fortunate. I am basically single with no children. I have a good job that pays slightly less than the median household income in Oklahoma. I bought a house about 10 years ago in a rough part of town for abut $50,000 and got it paid off. My truck has 250,000 miles on it. Dining out is my biggest expense. Things are changing in my girlfriend just got a new house. We will be fixing it up and using the current house as a short term rental or an AirB&B.

I have a glass studio that breaks even on expenses and earnings each year. I do pay myself $1000 a month from the studio and put $800 (with a $24 match) a month into a Vanguard Simple IRA account. I do have a CPA for taxes and keeping everything in good order from a legal standpoint.

I have several savings accounts earmarked for purpose. I have an HSBC travel account. This account is funding through a couple of modest oil royalty checks from wells my father has given my brother and me.  The HSBC card can be used outside of the US without fees. We have been to Tulum Mexico a couple of times and it is a great place to visit. I opened the HSBC account with Tulum in mind as they have a branch so getting cash is easy. I have a summer travel account that pulls automatically from checking every month. I have a house and truck savings accounts where I funnel left over funds from checking at the end of each month. I did open a Money Market Mutual Fund account with the truck fund and put money in each month as if I were making a payment on a new vehicle so I am saving now for a new truck. It is not really recommended to save for short term in a fund like that but with so little interest paid on a standard bank account or even a CD it is a risk I was willing to take.

So with all of that as to where I am. I plan on teaching for at least eight more years to make it to 30 years teaching and retirement. I am unsure of health insurance at this point but I expect to be able to maintain membership in the health system provided by the state for teachers. I have a lot of little bits of saving in retirement accounts which should add up to a little bit of supplemental income in the future. It really seems okay but is a constant fear. I think more people fear over a zombie apocalypse then they fear over saving enough for retirement and they are probably hoping for the zombie apocalypse because they do not have anything saved for retirement.

There are lots of people out there who are experienced in the ways of retirement. Folks who are experts with advice. What is the best approach? Read and read some more. Talk to folks, meet with financial planners. I have a difficult time giving money to someone for taking care of my retirement. I met with a group a few years ago and they wanted me to transfer all of my accounts into their plan and they would take care of everything for a fee. I could not see a benefit. I met with my local recommended financial adviser to get an idea of if I am going in the right direction. Things look good but yes, they want me to move my accounts over to their program and they can get a percentage of my investments. I think a good financial planner would be one willing to work together to provide the best direction. Sign posts and goals to follow, not charging a toll every year or quarter. I think that is about it. If this helps you in anyway let me know.

Curry Noodle Soup

https://docs.google.com/presentation/d/e/2PACX-1vQN6utAdmaHnGjFqNbjGSANI7-H4bjqxeKrLAVmRB3v7lWKjhm_uTN0umtPhZEPqTPqQ_cX6DpFWa-t/pub?start=false&loop=false&delayms=3000&slide=id.p

https://docs.google.com/presentation/d/1gxuILX1LAdXh6kbF_dKLSBqWlfnDl4iVNHuA23P9yYs/edit?usp=sharing

Recipe for Curry Noodle Soup

Expenditures

I have been looking at my finances again. Wondering if I am doing the right things and if I am on the right track.
It is difficult to know where to start and if the 10,000 foot view is enough. I remain confused most of the time and reading from others I wonder sometimes. Many of the saving money blogs repeat the same information and appear to do very well. Making money doing what they love. Traveling. Residual income. Where do I fit into all of this?
Goals -
Daily Living -
Hopes and Dreams -
Fears -

seriously in the blogging field. Why would anyone want to read read what I have to say, and then why would anyone give me money for doing it too? And then how much work is it to keep it going?
Look at my blogging progress to start. I used to blog a lot. Then just stopped. Now just now and again. Wondering about my voice, authentic voice.

Goals -
8 more years of teaching to reach retirement. With the teacher retirement system it is really necessary to get in 30 years. The difference in monthly pension is huge between 20 years ($700 a month) and 30 years ($2300 a month).
The studio - it is good. It is difficult to project into the future with the studio. Many factors contribute to the whole success of the studio. It is in a good place and is still fulfilling.

Daily Living - the monotony of daily life continues for everyone. Cook, Clean, eat, sleep, work, play, exercise, Balance.

Hopes and Dreams - A lot of what if's.

Fears - many are not founded in experience or reality.

Take stock of the whole gets to be overwhelming.

What am I going to do today in order to make the dream for tomorrow possible?

Five More Seconds

Reading online today (https://www.getrichslowly.org/early-retirement-extreme/#more-237770) this quote jumped out at me, "It also resists incremental learning because it doesn't make sense or flow until all of the ingredients are known and snap together. (Much like the ERE philosophy!)"

I have been trying to sum up learning the process of glass blowing. It is very much a step by step process but the mastery of craft comes with the flow of each of the steps and being able to adjust when necessary. 

We were working recently and discussing the nuances of the glass. Knowing the steps and what to do next is great. It leads to the creation of beautiful things. Knowing why it is what you are doing is key. Learning to put pressure of different levels in different places to shape the glass leads to better design and better results. This is teachable and learn-able but only once a certain level of competence is reached. 

Heat is glass is key. Getting enough heat throughout to have the substance move to where you want it to go with ease and efficiency. The hotter the glass gets, the more difficult it is to control. Being on the edge of losing control. Once one becomes comfortable at the control at a certain heat, it is time to get more heat. Once you have the heat that is needed stay in for five more seconds. Learn to master the glass at that next higher level. It is amazing the difference that makes in the process. 

move up

I keep going back to someone said about 30 years ago... "You are not there yet.". Sort of like the oracle in the Matrix when she tells Neo he is not ready, he is waiting for something. It was in regard to enlightenment and rebirth.. maybe in the next lifetime.

It seems to me now I just stopped. Why pursue higher thinking, why seek enlightenment when we are simply not going to achieve it?