all in

I wonder what it is that brings me to simply going all in it is an overwhelming response. I don't know if this is a special connection I don't know if this is a thing I don't know why I don't know where the origin is the blue light whatever it may be. But I know that at this point I feel like I've gone all in. I don't know if caution the fear of getting hurt the twinges of being alone. Finally a connection a strong beautiful connection. And maybe I'm reading too much into it maybe I'm imagining too much maybe I'm hoping too much. And for some reason I think that seems okay.

board

They do not pay me enough to put up with that stuff.

Crazy hyper conservative people permeate. Welding perceived  power. Society must not give them that power or cave to a demand based in senseless self angrizedment

nerves

The feeling of new. Pursuit. Care. Wonder how silly I am/look. That does not matter. Being self.

breakfast

I do enjoy breakfast out. School does not allow it except for the weekend. I am a eggs and sausage type, maybe an omelette, mutelanos when possible. There are some great breakfast places during the week. I need to find a good pattern in rotation. 

You know how everyone compares to the opening of the self to catapiller/butterfly, I think now it will be the opening of the self after the pandemic. Locked away for a year, ready to enter the sunlight if a new day, a new you.

 I broke my collarbone one Christmas in Colorado. My dad there beside me. My great Aunt Ruth in the background. I am not sure what year. Maybe 1976 or so. We were on a family vacation in Cuchara. Sliding down a mountain on waxed cardboard boxes. My cousin Hank ran into me at the bottom of the hill. Bobo said she could hear the echo of the gunshot like break. It spun me around and knocked me out. All I remember is this big blue field with a little red patch coming right at me when I turned around to look up the mountain. 

Not complete

 There is something just not really right. Something missing. 

Imposter syndrome, body dysmorphia, Feeling not smart enough. Not knowing how to communicate with others. How to interact. How to be?

Why is there this feeling of not being good enough? Sometimes it is not there at all. Other times it influences everything. 

Fear of rejection so it is even difficult to try to become a friend or something more.  

It is almost like why even pursue this, if it is only going to lead of heart ache. 

Like why have a dog knowing they will die. 

Like dating a foreign exchange student. It is better to let them go now, instead of later when the feelings are much more engrained. 

How to let go of the fear? 

Admitting the fear to another in my mind shows how messed up I am and would lead to automatic rejection. 

Afraid to expose myself and be known and then rejected. 

I come back to conversation. Following a script. Knowing what to say. But then when there is no more script what do I talk about? Working all day, not feeling the need to chat. 

The magnificent magnifying mind. Get an idea and it grows and grows. a hope or a fear either way and it is so out of proportion that reality does not even come to bear. 

I remember that lesson in fear. Is this fear based on reality? Has this happened before? If it was real what happened and what was the outcome and what can you change. If it did not happen before it is just a fear and has no reality behind it. Let it go. 
Maybe then it is the same with Hope. Has this happened? Will it happen? It is a hope. Keep it but know that it does not have any reality behind it. 

to do

Remembering to do. I even wrote a big note. And then did not even do.

I can not figure. Why. Did not even think about until this morning. 

Is this self sabotage? Why are my actions so like that? 

The needing to be done does not get done. 

unmoored

Unmoored it is a good description the feeling I guess of just floating about waiting to discover a new country. Not having much more direction and it's really maybe just a small pond there's no being lost it's just floating about nowhere really traveling nowhere going no destination just a movement or maybe lack of movement or maybe maybe being untied after the Storm. That may be it the the storm and finally settling back in finally coming to accept who I am.

summer is here

Rain today. Paseo weekend, postponed. I am not sad about that today. I do miss it though.

School is out. Work ensues. Daily. Wake.

Patterns of not destruction but not the healthyist way of being.

I don't know you

Why is that feeling in the morning to check to see if there is a message? Why should that even matter? I have no real connection. Just a few flirtatious texts. 

It comes back to validation.

Does that feeling oof not being wanted spill over into all aspects of life? How do I get beyond that? That "she wants to be with me" I am now complete. 

to say

So what would I say to you given the opportunity. I just don't know it's like this strange compelling to write to say something to interact. And yet I think that it is best not to. I don't want to intrude I don't want to be pushy I don't want to seem desperate. And yeah I think in a way I am desperate in a way I want to engage in your relationship or engage in a I don't know what the right word is. So I choose not to. I just have to wait and see what happens. That feeling that I get when I look hoping to find a message. And the disappointment of not seeing one or the thrill of there being communication