the work

I don't want to do the work I just want the results

There are so many examples cleaning the floor it requires you to get down on your hands and knees and scrub to get it clean I'll go to the store and buy five different products that are supposed to clean the floor that don't because it requires the work of scrubbing.

I want to lose 40 lb I don't want to work out I don't want to eat right I don't want to give up sugar and don't want to give up bread I want the result I don't want to do the work.

I want to have a relationship I want to be in a relationship I want to have a loving caring ability but I'm not willing to do the work to maintain or to be in the relationship.

It's like when I'm doing something I do it halfway or I get it done but it's not pretty or there's always something left behind so nothing's ever really complete.

Spiritually or can I take a shortcut to get to the end or do I have to do on a daily basis to get there I don't read books I don't devote myself to meditation I dabble in play a bit but don't want to do the work to get to the end result part of it what is the end result

How does that tie into no joy no happiness how does that tie into what do I want wanting something requires work wanting something requires time and effort by not wanting I don't have to do the work.

So where does that come how do I Foster and develop the work? by doing.

4th grade classroom by choice. I just did not work.

Does this relate to having to be happy when doing chores?

victim

I am the victim. 

Example. 

Mara calls my mom to let her know we are separated. She is taking care of herself in that way. I knew she was going to call but did not know when. 

I get a call from my mom saying she heard and was sad and if I needed anything. 

My victim says why did Mara not warn me? Mara does not care for my feelings or how it will impact me? 

The thing is how in any way could her actions make me a victim. They can not. 

Forgive forgive forgive. It's time to forgive myself release the shame and the guilt around actions that I take release the anger the fear that I keep inside release the bondage of self it's time to be free those things not forgive forgive forgive forgiveness of the self

And then forgive the others 4 perceived Injustice has perceived wrongs I don't need to carry that forward through any more relationships the ones I have now the ones I've had in the past the ones for the future forgive forgive forgive

Just wondering if that God isn't finished with me yet that mindset that so I reached the point where I just gave up progressing and I just gave up moving forward not content where I am but not discontent where I am just there but just there was nowhere like to be just there in the esoteric sense of enlightenment that would be great but to be just there and not have any esoteric enlightenment is just being without purpose that may be it being without purpose so what is my special purpose

So is it possible to be not miserable alone but to be miserable without someone?

So the big grand gestures like Forrest Gump running across the United States eight times that's a big Grand gesture so my thought what do I want to do I want to walk for peace does that mean I have to walk across the United States eight times in a big Grand gesture or does it mean that I walk around the neighborhood at night and I contemplate in the hole in my heart I contemplate in hold in my heart love contemplate and hold in my heart forgiveness and maybe those are the grand gestures

Authentic Self

What do I want? 

Over and over again. I do not know what I want. Give me a checklist of the good qualities on life and Yes, I want all of those good things. Yes, I want finicail stability. I want a happy home and harmonious relationships. To be free of the anger, resentment and fear that seems to have a grip on me overshadowing the good. 

What do I not want? 

What is it time to let go of? What can I do to facilitate letting go?

The being as it is no longer works. 

No, i take that back it works. It works well. But the outcomes it produces is no longer the outcome I desire. 

removing the armor. It has been a theme for years and years, The knight with rusty armor. 

A crack in the stone. a fissure. 

Letting out the essence within. 

when we heat the rocks. The beginning. We give life back to Inyan. What he spent in creation he gave his life. Still present with the heat of the fire. the preparation of the ceremony brings him back into being. 

loneliness

What lesson in loneliness? 

I wonder if Mara was lonely even when we were together. I led a life that made her alone. 

What do I have to learn?

No distractions from myself. And yet I still will not look within to the problem. 

operation meyham

So in looking at the news today with the antifa group being arrested in Portland by militarized agents input into unmarked cars what if they're doing that to themselves they're having them among themselves gathered up for the conspiracy part but it sure does feel a lot like operation mayhem has commenced and the fight club boys are going wild it's a strange sing the world in which we live

relationship

So relationship out of what drive Fidelity righteousness what what is the right thing to do do I wait find out what is the relationship for Maura and I and then waiting just be

Or is this time this not knowing do I just go out and seek and do and find and misbehave I don't know what the right word for would be because this is not a separation of my choosing but that's not right either because I brought about that separation through my actions laid the groundwork for that separation and lack of emotional availability lack of intimacy lack of trust fear so we haven't spoken as to fly north what we are I still feel a respect until the respect the respect that I have for the relationship and for her needs to be honored and accepted within me then I can decide which I would like to do how do I want to be and until we figure out what we are of course that's can change and mutable Italy right now is right now so that's it

easy wind

Swinging that shiny black steel Jack Hammer. 

Breaking up rocks for the great highway. 

Live five years if I take my time ballin that Jack and drinking that wine.

In the essence of suffering our daily existence what we experience as a human all those traits and wave being the word for it. So are suffering

So the great highway I'm drawn to that archway through which we pass a free man but there's another passage that talks about a highway the the rocks that's our wall and we're given spiritual tools to break down those walls that spiritual tool is that shiny black steel jackhammer

I keep going back to,  you will have me back if I change but what if this is the real me? 

tyranny

I read a post how wearing a mask or excuse me being forced to wear a mask is tyranny from the government. In an earlier post the same person was talking about the black lives matter movement and how it was not right. It got me to thinking tyranny opression from the government is exactly what the black lives movement is fighting against. The cognitive dissonance is deafening.

There and back again

I am wondering if maybe the buddha had it wrong. Seeking to be free of desire and attachment. It seems to make living in the world and being with others a difficult task.