God jar

Okay so here's a little jar we're going to decorate it and make it pretty. Anytime you have a problem or an issue or a feeling we're going to write it down we're going to fold it up I'm going to put it in the jar we're going to put the top on it we're going to give it to God. The difference and doing that as an adult and doing that is a 10 year old child is completely different. I think I really learned you have an issue you have a problem you have an emotion you put it up you fold it up and you put it in the jar and it just goes away and gets taken care of. It doesn't all she's done is written it down and expressed it and made it big and then you folded it up really really tiny and tight and then you put it into a little object you stuffed it in there with all the other little pieces of paper all the other emotions and all the other problems and you put a cap on it and you walked away there was no processing there was no learning you just walked away.

psychonaut

I think maybe those little people that are the psychonauts are right on target seeking love in the moment and all that they do and it is that love that is the moment in all that we do and it is a beautiful thing and they use that powerful trip to connect and to be and then they live a life in each moment with loving care and they get lost in the world again in the world comes in in the craziness that is the way that we are because we live a life out of balance and that's the nature of our lives and so they go and they psycho not and they return to love the problem I think for me is I never understood it I'm never understood love my definition of love is correct and seeing the universe I still didn't understand what I was seeing but the psychonauts today they understand and they see and they live in the world and they try to build a better one each moment each day to be free yeah I like it

loving care

Okay so this all started a few days ago the flu that I've ever had except for when I came back from China it's just nasty bad evil flu so I am making some tea I woke up in the middle of the night with sweats and soak through and it started shaking so jumped up ran around chasing clothes got into the dry bed and shook and shook and shook and very strange with everything's been related to movies and in the movie Glory Denzel Washington is a slave that is joined the northern army the time of the civil war to fight for freedom the great movie if you've not seen it Matthew Broderick based on a true story so Washington gets out of camp and gets caught they bring him in we found a dessert so deserters get lashes no questions so the time up take off his shirt and you can see his body is no stranger to the whip the first crack and you can see the flinch but not really his upper lip does that little Elvis thing and the next one is upper lip just does that little Elvis thing just that little twitch says I can take it you can't break me I can take it I don't want to take it but I can take it I'm ready for you to stop but if you give me another I can take so that night friend of Washington the reason he was out was not to deserve was to go look for a pair of socks because your people haven't given us shoes or socks or provisions so Matthew Broderick goes in raises hell and gets everything they need anyway that twitch you can throw anything you want at me I'm going to take it and all's I really have to show you is that little tiny twitch and then I would shake violently and so I thought about that twitch and I would shake and I would think about that twitch and I wouldn't shake and I would spasm and twitch and it seemed out so we're looking at p okay so now laying in bed I've stopped twitching my body calmed down my temperature is regulating back to whatever it is at this point who knows and I start thinking about caring I realized a couple weeks ago I don't care I have approached life basically as I just don't care whatever happens happens I have no control over what happens I have no influence over what happened why should I care and little guy came along and said no you're wrong you have to care what do you mean you have to care because that's not what you all teach no no you've missed her you care I care deeply with love loving care your definition of care and my definition of care are too completely different things your definition of care seems to be rooted in oh Jesus colonialism who knows I don't know so the loving care that I'm talking about is loving the moment being in the moment deep Loving Care for life love love and care for all for you you don't care about you you've destroyed your body you've destroyed your relationships not with any intention you didn't do it intentionally it was not a it was just that you didn't care you forgot to love but I love I love yeah no that's not right well because your definition of love is not the definition of love you're definition of Love is something much different I don't know what that is either yet we'll get to that in the future so loving care love and care Loving Care so the hang on I'm coming together with it the tea so nice which brings us to the story so I'm making now some bare root tea bear like yeah it's a osha Root I think it's OSHA and it's up potent it's probably one of my favorite fruits it's got a wonderful smell thick and hearty dents the flavors good it burns beautifully so when you have the flu you drink bear routine when you're congested you burn the root of the bare root it helps so way back when not even 40 years ago 60 years now it's been longer than that but 120 years ago they didn't have Walgreens and CVS so they didn't have pharmapia they had pharmakopia and so he would go out and gather what you needed in order to take care of your body and someone discovered very I'm going to say 2000 years ago longer because it is a wonderful healer I'm not preparing it correctly but I have what I have and I'm going to utilize what I can utilize so I've grounded up or sliced it up a little bit and chopped it and whatever and boiled some water let it see boiling some water and let it boil some water and let it see we'll get about a half of a cup of this delicious nectar so loving care story a little fellow said something to do and here's the question he said well do you care no that's not whatever responses so no I don't care that's the problem we've been having this conversation about love and care and your first response got early is no you don't care because your definition of care is still wrong Loving Care do you care no do you care Loving Care yes that's the key Loving Care so all this time you've approached the world in the last 30 years with your little stupid religion and your little stupid friends and you never listened well Loving Care yeah okay it's Loving Care yeah I get it no loving care everything is done with love all you are is love forever and ever it's love see Love No Love be Love who cares love you've been saying that silly thing from that Dr bronner's yeah okay feel sore yeah that's just the visual that sits in the shower every morning to remind you heal the mind heal the body all the emotion heal the spirit heal the body heal the mind heal the motions heal the spirit how love and care that's it love and care you don't have to do anything no except Loving Care okay the task is not hard

fantasy

So I'm wondering if someone has a fantasy about another person sexual in nature and they vision I guess the experience. The ACT is solo but what if the fantasy is manifest in the spiritual realm and what does consent look like in that realm. And is that even a thing.

intrinsic motivation

So what is the motivation behind doing. I find myself wondering if I should help at what point is help needed and good and at what point is help trying to manipulate a situation. I don't know to what degree those whole true so if I help just to help. No ties no expectations just help. Is that proper.

I wonder as to sex and companionship. That desire to be with someone. The lonely. It grows and subsides but seems to be a constant and my mind returns to it over and over. But there is none that fit the ideal.. anyone would be good just to get with. The fantasy vs the reality vs being ready

the case

https://www.instagram.com/p/CLV0Dp4n0zf/?igshid=1ijf3kp33u9qc

If this is the case why are there not thousands of Nickelodeon Teslas on the planet right now we're evolving into a higher species. We're coming to see and know ourselves and how the universe works. We're growing and evolving and becoming. It seems in the past we were and that got lost. And now we need to grow again. So on occasion people wake up to enlightenment. Maybe this is a strange curves. The

care

I won't do what I need to do in order to take care of myself. I've always had somebody to take care of me.

reality

Wondering why we invent systems of belief? To bring comfort. To explain what can not be explained. Every culture has and does. man's search for meaning...

The big universal questions. And answers come in moments... Maybe if at all. 

how am I doing

So this morning at breakfast Laura asked how I was doing. After pause I said I'm just doing okay no big deal everything's all right. And that's just not really the truth. That feeling of loneliness it's heavy and it's not pleasant just being alone is painful in a way. I'm just tired of being that way. Companionship something physical fantasies fulfilled who knows.

Stay the Course

What is the course? Where do I want to be compared to where I am now? Where am I now? Where do I want to be at retirement? What do I want my life to look like? 

Setting forth on the path is small steps. Movement forward and backwards and serpentine and straight. Choosing a direction and going with it. 

I think it is most difficult for me to imagine life as I would like it to be. What do I want in five years, seven years, twenty years...The idea of living in the present but preparing for the future. Seeking the balance to enjoy both. 

House: There is a desire to build a self sustaining garage apartment behind the house. Rent the house or the apartment. Is it worth the $40,000+/- investment in the property? Take out the existing garage and storage shed. Build out a garden and outdoor space. Fence between the neighbors. The house is in decent shape. It will need a new roof, new siding, and new AC unit in the next decade. 

Vehicle: The Tacoma has 260,000 miles on it and it is running well. How many more years? I put away $500 a month for a new car into a mutual fund. The subaru crosstrek or outback is top of the list or a new small truck. Being able to haul a trailer seems important. Think a fifth wheel Scamp would be my choice on a nice pull behind for camping.

Trips and vacations: I would really like to be able to go somewhere for three months at a time. Immerse into a place. The thought of living somewhere else is tempting but I do not want to be tied to a place I think.  I put $200 a month into a travel fund. I also deposit any oil royalty checks into the travel account. Annual trip to South Dakota with $200 going into an account for that purpose.

The studio: It is working. It is a lot of work. In seven years is it still going to be something I want to do on a daily basis. Can I find someone to be there full time? What is the cost/benefit ratio? It is not a money making proposition, in that we spend nearly everything we make. I save to purchase large items. I would have to find a way to make enough money each year to cover my expenses and the salary of someone else. The studio does cover a few personal monthly expenses; gas and electricity for the house and gas/repairs for the truck.

Accounts: There are studio and personal accounts.

Accounts	Balance Jan 2020
Citizens Personal Checking	$978.19
Citizens Personal Savings	$2,503.54
Citizens Truck Fund	$2,004.13
Citizen House Fund	$2,392.24
RCB Personal Checking	$1,439.88
Wells Fargo Checking (South Dakota)	$3,995.59
Wells Fargo Savings (South Dakota)	$1,476.29
HSBC Vacation Account	$5,435.63

Studio

Citizens BSS Checking	$7,820.64
Citizens BSS Savings	$10,177.15
RCB BSS	$18,825.15
RCB BSS Savings	$17,354.04

Investing: Besides retirement accounts there is a mutual fund for saving for a new vehicle. 

Vanguard VFIAX

$500 per month for Auto

$55,185.38

Retirement: With a fairly shallow investment pool I should be okay for a bit. Between teacher retirement (2027) and Social Security (2032?) and Safe Withdrawal things should be okay if everything goes well. 

Vanguard Roth IRA	$7000 per year	$97,513.53
Vanguard SIMPLE IRA through BSS	$824 per month	$87,457.40
Vanguard 403b	No deposits possible	$138,415.12

Income: Paycheck from school ($46931.92), three oil royalty checks (into Travel Account), studio pay goes into SIMPLE IRA account ($824/month). 

Expenses: Personal expenses and studio expenses. I spend a lot on dining as I eat out nearly every meal. There was a small remodel on the house with painting, new floors and plumbing work.

BSS Expenses	2020		Personal Expenses	2020
Art Festivals	$350.00
Bank Fee	$163.98		Bank Fees	40.53
Batch	$6,659.24		Cash	60
Cash	$120.00		clothing	1159.21
Color	$6,382.10		cpa	325
Consumable	$14,910.32		dentist	580
Dining	$84.61		Dining	13595.71
Donations	$102.20		entertainment	19.01
Gallery Fees	$300.00		gas	294.96
Gas	$849.18		Gift	1496.36
Gift	$510.93		Groceries	3131.17
H2O	$286.11		HBE	2394.67
Insurance	$2,237.32		House	13554.47
Internet Services (Google)	$288.00		Insurance	4459.64
Internet (phone)	$2,271.47		Memberships	30
Memberships	$303.63		Mobile Phone	1101
OGE	$11,555.85		Security	588.32
ONG	$3,243.60		Shipping AE	343.65
RJ - Contract	$10,950.00		taxes	1528.23
Refund	$320.00		therapy	1157
Rent	$10,200.00		Transfers - HHB	1840
Retirement	$9,888.00		Travel	88.94
RB sales	$120.00		truck	237.61
RM - Contract	$19,200.00		Utilities	898.06
Shipping	$172.12			48923.54
Storage RV (Sold)	$425.84
taxes	$11,481.27
Taxes - CPA	$1,150.00
Transfer HSBC	$1,200.00
Travel	$76.26
Truck	$358.92
	$116,160.95