I broke my collarbone one Christmas in Colorado. My dad there beside me. My great Aunt Ruth in the background. I am not sure what year. Maybe 1976 or so. We were on a family vacation in Cuchara. Sliding down a mountain on waxed cardboard boxes. My cousin Hank ran into me at the bottom of the hill. Bobo said she could hear the echo of the gunshot like break. It spun me around and knocked me out. All I remember is this big blue field with a little red patch coming right at me when I turned around to look up the mountain. 

Not complete

 There is something just not really right. Something missing. 

Imposter syndrome, body dysmorphia, Feeling not smart enough. Not knowing how to communicate with others. How to interact. How to be?

Why is there this feeling of not being good enough? Sometimes it is not there at all. Other times it influences everything. 

Fear of rejection so it is even difficult to try to become a friend or something more.  

It is almost like why even pursue this, if it is only going to lead of heart ache. 

Like why have a dog knowing they will die. 

Like dating a foreign exchange student. It is better to let them go now, instead of later when the feelings are much more engrained. 

How to let go of the fear? 

Admitting the fear to another in my mind shows how messed up I am and would lead to automatic rejection. 

Afraid to expose myself and be known and then rejected. 

I come back to conversation. Following a script. Knowing what to say. But then when there is no more script what do I talk about? Working all day, not feeling the need to chat. 

The magnificent magnifying mind. Get an idea and it grows and grows. a hope or a fear either way and it is so out of proportion that reality does not even come to bear. 

I remember that lesson in fear. Is this fear based on reality? Has this happened before? If it was real what happened and what was the outcome and what can you change. If it did not happen before it is just a fear and has no reality behind it. Let it go. 
Maybe then it is the same with Hope. Has this happened? Will it happen? It is a hope. Keep it but know that it does not have any reality behind it. 

to do

Remembering to do. I even wrote a big note. And then did not even do.

I can not figure. Why. Did not even think about until this morning. 

Is this self sabotage? Why are my actions so like that? 

The needing to be done does not get done. 

unmoored

Unmoored it is a good description the feeling I guess of just floating about waiting to discover a new country. Not having much more direction and it's really maybe just a small pond there's no being lost it's just floating about nowhere really traveling nowhere going no destination just a movement or maybe lack of movement or maybe maybe being untied after the Storm. That may be it the the storm and finally settling back in finally coming to accept who I am.

summer is here

Rain today. Paseo weekend, postponed. I am not sad about that today. I do miss it though.

School is out. Work ensues. Daily. Wake.

Patterns of not destruction but not the healthyist way of being.

I don't know you

Why is that feeling in the morning to check to see if there is a message? Why should that even matter? I have no real connection. Just a few flirtatious texts. 

It comes back to validation.

Does that feeling oof not being wanted spill over into all aspects of life? How do I get beyond that? That "she wants to be with me" I am now complete. 

to say

So what would I say to you given the opportunity. I just don't know it's like this strange compelling to write to say something to interact. And yet I think that it is best not to. I don't want to intrude I don't want to be pushy I don't want to seem desperate. And yeah I think in a way I am desperate in a way I want to engage in your relationship or engage in a I don't know what the right word is. So I choose not to. I just have to wait and see what happens. That feeling that I get when I look hoping to find a message. And the disappointment of not seeing one or the thrill of there being communication

studio

So I need to get down something about the studio I don't know what it is or what I do know that something's wrong and I have to have a solution because I'm not there when I'm not there it doesn't work when I am there it's a wonderful thing I love it tremendously but I can't be there all of the time and now I am learning my body is telling me this experience is telling me that I've got to do something different and I haven't had to do anything different till now and we've gotten by magically miraculously and we'll continue to do so I think because it's a love there is love in that dream that the song without loving the dream it'll never come true f*** there's love there that's where the Love is that's a anyway so why is there two days a week Rachel was there she was a big help somebody that was there before her and that was a big help and then Rachel was gone and then Rachel came back and then so it's me and Michael Booth helps more than anybody knows and all of everybody there helps more than everybody knows so thank goodness I appreciate it deeply I have so much gratitude for my friends people there but I can't continue doing what I'm doing and make it when something like this happens I've got to have a backup so either a I change my schedule to accommodate not doing nearly as many classes or hire someone hire someone double and works great no problem. Cut back on classes would be looking at it okay Monday nights yep that's fine I'm good with Monday nights Tuesday off yeah Wednesday night 6:30 to 8:30 go to 9:00 some nights yeah no problem and at that point it's an 8-week class come in you can learn it's 6 weeks we have two weeks built in because something like this is going to happen and you know if the class fails it fails and your money is refunded up into the point of wherever that blindness that's an expense it's an expensive class Fridays yeah I'm real happy with one session maybe two come in I get caught up on all my paperwork the booths are there I'd hit a little session after them 6:00 to 7:00 6:30 7:00 and that's it maybe at 7:30 session 6:30 to 7:00 to 7:30 and yeah go have dinner it's Friday night. Saturdays every other Saturday this has been tremendous this has been a catastrophe I can't have 10 people scheduled and make it work there's not enough time to get them back in I'm already booked up so that's going to be a task I don't know if I could do three or four sessions a.m. would be great Saturday morning I have sessions from 10:00 to 2:00 and that's it from 10:00 to 2:00 and they can be 30 minutes sessions if there's two people it's 30 minutes that's time to clean up so I can double up I don't want to sit and waste my time yeah I can make stuff but that's not the purpose of that time. So what does the Saturday look like. Then what does Sunday look like Bill McLean in that little girl in no trouble that seems to be working but now I've got lessons and lessons and lessons because I can't fit them in anywhere else. I just don't have time so the solution it really is to hire someone. Cuz I can cut back everything in half which is what I need to do I can hire someone okay

All this prompted by the flu brought to you by 104° fever and sweats and shakes

prospect

I'm really not sure why the idea is so much more appealing it's not the right. It's like this feeling this excitement that occurs at the thought of being wanted that's it. The being wanted that is the comfort. I don't know how to say that without it being but if my brother's right there was just that whole growing up of not being wanted. It was like a burden or a duty without any desire. And so now that thrill of somebody wants me overpowers everything else. So that not wanting or not being good enough or not not being able to fulfill somebody's need and desire. It's an odd juxtaposition. Not sure how to release the excitement or release the desire of finally being wanted f***. So when the relationship comes to an end it reaffirms the not being wanted.

public

It is a bizarre experience being in public. This experience is usually alone at the house. Being inthemidsth of there is so odd. Those feelings of not knowing what to do and how to interact with others is deep. Feeling like I am the odd one out amid mint of the one out. Comfort in my own skin, not at all. What do I do or see. Does that I am make other people nervous? 

Being high at a concert seems different, being high with one other does not feel different. Being with others is ... I feel like I know everyone or should know everyone. That everyone looks famous or they should be. Notorious maybe more apt. 

I still have no idea how to interact with others. Explains why I do not go out to places that require contact and interaction. 

So I can be my self in what I perceive to be weird self and let go of the ego long enough to open the self to the experience. 

Still can not figure why everyone looks famous. Santa Fe famous. 

It is time to go home. But it really to much fun hanging out. Interesting to not know what to do. Where are the lines of being?  

Still no closer to knowing people but maybe that is more it in that everyone seems familiar. 

lodge

So I see on Instagram tonight that have a buddy that's building a sweat lodge in a intentional living community. Part of me is very excited and wow that would be awesome I need to go pour water poor. Another part of me goes that is insane they have no business doing that that is just so not right. So that I saw it on Instagram earlier the oponoapono  posting about cultural thieves and that's where we're at. So where am I in this.? I have no culture and have appropriated someone else's as my own.