empty

I don't know what it is but I just feel incredibly sad and lonely. Just kind of empty. And it's not all the time actually it is all the time . Is this heavy weight of emptiness. I wonder if it was always there and I just filled it up with other things.

ordinary two

So the thoughts on being an ordinary person. How do you be ordinary in the world everybody's ordinary everybody's of the same some people are special everyone is special in their own way but since people gifted summer ordinary and it makes us not less than or worse or not as good and they're no better it seems like a very big constraint and construction of the mind that is the definition of things you cannot have definitions people ideas into little boxes and their little boxes don't exist so the first step there is going to be the breakout of that thinking.

It's going to require a force of change but within the Dynamics of the culture noriel we've become this how we are 

So to think about the question of being ordinary the things that we do in our daily life the way that we are the acceptance of who we are and what we can do and then I think the most important is striving to become something better something greater new knowledge new learning new information it doesn't make us less than what we were used to be or more than what we used to be that's really a weird one

coalesce

Imagine a beautiful day walking around the sky so blue grass green sense of lilac and Jasmine and honeysuckle fill the air feel the piece of the universe then you begin to see clouds roll across the horizon foreboding know gentle rolling beautiful clouds but 

So is the clouds continue to roll they turn from white to dark and dark and dark and black and that darkness has the anger in the fear resentments self-doubt and knowing being too big being too little the darkness rules and roles but within the darkness in the darkness of those clouds there is a seed tiny tiny seeds of Hope

dark not scary at all and you know when rain comes the the moisture the droplets coalesce together in a cloud perform a drop imagine now those clouds that are forming above you good moisturizer that is coalescing into the drop that moisture is that moisture is peace that moisture is forgiveness all of those individual little tiny bits begin to call us and come together they join and become weighted in fall it is the rain falls and touches your body hit you in the face coach your skin it imparts to you that piece the hope the forgiveness infusion you with a new life in the new purpose

ordinary

Can an ordinary person have and nurture a direct connection did the divine?

That is to say those people who seemed to effort effort effort effort Leslie maintain that connection there's something different or special or more than ordinary about were they once ordinary people where have they always been that special?

What allows someone to become within the divine?

Once in a while we get a glimpse of what could be only then to return to an ordinary life

invite

So trying to figure out what we are I'm waiting for an invitation to come in.

The invitation that I learned that I have to be invited and I'm very hesitant to go where I'm not invited the so I don't know what I want and I don't know what you want I know that there are some things that I want I know what I would like to happen and then the fear and anxiety and what it is that I want it to happen is just in this moment going forward I don't know that that's what I want to happen so can we do a day-by-day moment by moment I don't know

birthday night

Well I was really hoping do you were going to ask me to stay.

So that didn't happen and I don't know what that means if it means anything I don't know if we're he closer to knowing where we're at and what we're going to do I don't know if we're miles apart or on the same track or I just don't know so we need to find out that question what makes you happy quote will make you happy.

I don't know what would make me happy. I do think that I'm not not happy. I don't know that there's anything that would just make me happy that sentence earlier I read today about the enlightened ones the two I can't remember yo Sean Nathan the name and that enlightenment that comes with just knowing and there's nothing else for me here versus the enlightenment of the that says I'm here to help others I'm here to serve it's interesting that there are two Dynamics to that enlightenment you must be others as well and being interesting to explore

hollow bone

So we have the idea of the hollow bone we ask that the spirit make us as a hollow bone so that the universe Mesa flow flow through us to allow the self to be out of the way and creation to come through I didn't understand what the hollow bone was.

I think the hollow bone is US prepared it is the person who has done the work to get rid of those things within themselves let's stop the flow of the universe anger fear resentment something that starts with an a those things have to be cleaned from the inside of the bone in order to be of use.so what is the work that needs to be done to become a hollow bone

?

realize

So I realized today that I don't want to move my things out of the other house because I feel like the more that I move the less likely it will be that I'll return to that place

The other thing that I think about is did I plan in my head to be finished with the relationship and then I think sometimes yes sometimes no but the proof that I didn't want the relationship to end is I didn't have anybody in the wings and that is a Hallmark of getting out of a relationship for me

expectation

So in the expectation what what did I think was going to happen versus what's going to happen versus what did happen. So what is the difference in want and desire and expectation. Yeah I know what I wanted and it's certainly not going to be what happened and I knew that that wouldn't be what was going to happen but somewhere in my mind I was really hoping that would happen. So it's sort of like being stuck setting myself up for disappointment and Sawyer and loneliness.

I don't know what we are and I don't know if hope we are warrants the investment of time and energy 2 see what happens next

Once again I wonder if I'm actually the right one did I withdrawal because of me that I withdraw because of her trying to protect myself bored I don't know what what I'm not sure and then that before to reconcile how do I not go back to that attitude life

It seems like a which came first did I get into that way of being to Xscape I don't know the purpose why YB so closed how do you not go back into that state how do you remain open overtime

maintaining nance

So I'm really wondering if we've gotten to a place of maintenance so this place in their relationship where it's just good we talk we have dinner but it's like a just a friendship I'm not sure what it's a a nod there is love there but there's not any commitment or dap's maybe I don't know what the right word is getting together once a week for dinner and I mow the lawn I don't know that that's sustainable either but is it building or is it fading does it matter in some ways it feels like I'm forcing it's something to be there I don't know it's strange