alone and like

So the idea of liking oneself...

Talking the other day had the realization that I really just don't like myself. Part of it may be I just don't know myself. And then it brings up the why would you spend time with someone that you do not like. And that circle's back to being alone when I'm alone I'm the only person I'm spending time with. And that's miserable. When I'm with someone else I don't have to be alone with me.

collective consciousness

So reading today in the theory of collective consciousness all of mankind resides in a place of being while we're not on this planet as a human our consciousness is with the whole we're not separate from the whole we are not a one consciousness as part of a whole we are the collective consciousness. So when people have an experience of a past life that is the collective consciousness life all lives are part of that collective consciousness. so when somebody says well why do you only come back at somebody who was famous. That is the strong memory we don't necessarily remember or reflect upon the mundane we remember and reflect upon the moments of heightened awareness or special times. So those are the memories we have of the past life. so when somebody says well I think I must have been a native American in my past life yes we all are in the collective consciousness that makes up who we are and when we come back to earth as a human being and we have an experience we know we've had that experience before as part of the collective consciousness. And if you extrapolate out not even past lives but our collective consciousness of today with just the people who are here we have experienced everything that everyone experiences at that moment.

reprogram

So we are reprogramming the human species at the cellular level. Becoming who we are meant to be or The next step in The evolutionary chain. I'm wondering if cancer is the fight of the universe to prevent that reprogramming from happening. I think about the people I know that have passed on or fought and at what is that disease it makes it prohibitive

allobe

So woke up 3:00 to a dream of being on Mars that alone mission to Mars and not really me being the person at Mars but me going to help find that person so not real sure what all that was but then her talking earlier tonight I think that the quote that keeps going through my head is I can't be the person that they need me to be. 

And then the other one was something abou and they can't be what I need period And I think that that's what the personal is I'm not capable of being period and is that the thing within me I'm not capable of beingt

becoming

What do I want to be? 

Wants

And needs

And desires

Want to wake up tangled together

Want to walk the beach

Want to ride a motorcycle 

We know that we are God and yet we fear becoming

We know that we are capable and yet we fear becoming

We know and yet we doubt

Debt - Finances - Studio - Saving

 Life choices create who we are and where we are going. We made choices along the way and those choices impact the future. 

There is a lot to unpack here. 

The House

The Studio

Savings

Investments 

Retirement 

Life

When I moved to Cape Cod I met some of who would become the most influential people in my life. Everything in my life took a turn there. My friend Scott was a chef. Accomplished. Very skilled. One of the best. Somehow or another he came to inherit some money, about $10,000. At the time more then any of us would see again for a very long time. So Scott bought a used BMW I don't know how much it was and he had a really nice old Impala it was a great car but I think that external status symbol if having a BMW there are something about it. So fast forward a few years and Scott was living in Colorado and met Doris and got married and the story he told me that his wedding about meeting Doris one of the things that concerned her was he didn't have anything. So he bought that car and that's a symbol of the way that we were he was I am and there was no future to be ready for there was no savings there was no and it wasn't an impulse it was a just living. And that that living gets in the way of having a life there's nothing wrong with it it's a great way to be the things that Doris wanted versus the things that Scott wanted she was prepared. You have a house you have a down payment you have responsibility you have a retirement fund you prepare for the future all of the time living moment to moment day to day there's no consideration for the future. So how can we do both have great consideration for the future and due day today moment to moment living. The the way of being known I'm stuck.

So thinking about finances the Dave Ramsey method saving baby steps doing envelopes whatever there's a method to achieve different way of being with money. Things I agree with things I don't agree with it's hard to tell. I think for normal people it's almost unattainable. To be debt free. To not have to worry about or the next is coming from. The success stories are often not very realistic. So how do you quote on quote when with money I have no idea.

My experience has been up and down life everything so financially 2007 I was in the divorce and realistically walked away with $5,000, a dilapidated RV, and my glass blowing equipment. I think I had $18,000 left on the truck I don't remember what my payment was a month. I moved in with my cousin didn't pay any rent.

I restarted the glass studio downtown Oklahoma City still living with my cousin and then started looking for a house. So just down the street from the studio I found a house for sale around $50,000. $1,350 square feet and it did not require any immediate repairs. So I got a loan for the mortgage 15 year fixed rate I don't know what the APR was from Bank of America enrolled my credit card debt and my truck payment into a loan that I could pay off using the truck for collateral so all of only had one bill that way. And I started making payments to pay everything down and get it paid off it took 2 years I'm not sure to pay off the bank loan and then it took 7 years to pay off the house. So at that point no more rent no more mortgage just daily living expenses. So doing that on a teacher salary at the time when I started that was making about 30,000 a year . I think teaching you get about $100 $150 a year step increase race in Oklahoma.

So I see on the internet the fire financial Independence retire early I just that's certainly not a possibility. I see the Forbes article that was a million dollars to retire is kind of the set desire and they ask people how long how much money they would need a year in retirement and they said $130,000 a year. A million dollars is going to last about 7 years. So in that case you can never really retire. How is it possible to spend $130,000 a year. That from somebody's making currently like $40,000 a year and then make any sense.

objective

The objective is to not prevent or protect people from the virus the objective is to contain it

my nature

So what is it about me that idealizes contact and kindness in mistakes that for a longing and a desire. The kindness shown by a barista making my coffee and smiling and saying have a good day there is a connection that is deep. Somehow they have fulfilled a need within me and by fulfilling that need they have become attached to my desires. How to let go of those desires how to let go of the wanting.

pursuit

Desire. The root of suffering is desire. End desire...

The pursuit makes for being loved.the illusion of being loved. The knowing that there is no possibility of communion leads to a horrible dynamic within of this cycle of desire.nothing good comes from it.

what is best

I do not know what is best I honestly think that it's really good. But it's not fulfilling. I don't know what more I want and then esoterically not wanting is the key so when I don't want and it's really nice. There are certainly things I desire that aren't fulfilled. The ease of being alone is really nice.

So if they knew the real you and wanted to investigate the parts of you that you keep to yourself, then you might work a little harder at the relationship part because you are getting the nourishment you need...  

authentic self

Realizing today that to be the authentic self you have to know who you are period for years and years I've only been what I thought other people wanted me to be. So in a sense I don't know who I am in that authentic at the core. I don't know how to find that self.