Stay the Course

What is the course? Where do I want to be compared to where I am now? Where am I now? Where do I want to be at retirement? What do I want my life to look like? 

Setting forth on the path is small steps. Movement forward and backwards and serpentine and straight. Choosing a direction and going with it. 

I think it is most difficult for me to imagine life as I would like it to be. What do I want in five years, seven years, twenty years...The idea of living in the present but preparing for the future. Seeking the balance to enjoy both. 

House: There is a desire to build a self sustaining garage apartment behind the house. Rent the house or the apartment. Is it worth the $40,000+/- investment in the property? Take out the existing garage and storage shed. Build out a garden and outdoor space. Fence between the neighbors. The house is in decent shape. It will need a new roof, new siding, and new AC unit in the next decade. 

Vehicle: The Tacoma has 260,000 miles on it and it is running well. How many more years? I put away $500 a month for a new car into a mutual fund. The subaru crosstrek or outback is top of the list or a new small truck. Being able to haul a trailer seems important. Think a fifth wheel Scamp would be my choice on a nice pull behind for camping.

Trips and vacations: I would really like to be able to go somewhere for three months at a time. Immerse into a place. The thought of living somewhere else is tempting but I do not want to be tied to a place I think.  I put $200 a month into a travel fund. I also deposit any oil royalty checks into the travel account. Annual trip to South Dakota with $200 going into an account for that purpose.

The studio: It is working. It is a lot of work. In seven years is it still going to be something I want to do on a daily basis. Can I find someone to be there full time? What is the cost/benefit ratio? It is not a money making proposition, in that we spend nearly everything we make. I save to purchase large items. I would have to find a way to make enough money each year to cover my expenses and the salary of someone else. The studio does cover a few personal monthly expenses; gas and electricity for the house and gas/repairs for the truck.

Accounts: There are studio and personal accounts.

Accounts	Balance Jan 2020
Citizens Personal Checking	$978.19
Citizens Personal Savings	$2,503.54
Citizens Truck Fund	$2,004.13
Citizen House Fund	$2,392.24
RCB Personal Checking	$1,439.88
Wells Fargo Checking (South Dakota)	$3,995.59
Wells Fargo Savings (South Dakota)	$1,476.29
HSBC Vacation Account	$5,435.63

Studio

Citizens BSS Checking	$7,820.64
Citizens BSS Savings	$10,177.15
RCB BSS	$18,825.15
RCB BSS Savings	$17,354.04

Investing: Besides retirement accounts there is a mutual fund for saving for a new vehicle. 

Vanguard VFIAX

$500 per month for Auto

$55,185.38

Retirement: With a fairly shallow investment pool I should be okay for a bit. Between teacher retirement (2027) and Social Security (2032?) and Safe Withdrawal things should be okay if everything goes well. 

Vanguard Roth IRA	$7000 per year	$97,513.53
Vanguard SIMPLE IRA through BSS	$824 per month	$87,457.40
Vanguard 403b	No deposits possible	$138,415.12

Income: Paycheck from school ($46931.92), three oil royalty checks (into Travel Account), studio pay goes into SIMPLE IRA account ($824/month). 

Expenses: Personal expenses and studio expenses. I spend a lot on dining as I eat out nearly every meal. There was a small remodel on the house with painting, new floors and plumbing work.

BSS Expenses	2020		Personal Expenses	2020
Art Festivals	$350.00
Bank Fee	$163.98		Bank Fees	40.53
Batch	$6,659.24		Cash	60
Cash	$120.00		clothing	1159.21
Color	$6,382.10		cpa	325
Consumable	$14,910.32		dentist	580
Dining	$84.61		Dining	13595.71
Donations	$102.20		entertainment	19.01
Gallery Fees	$300.00		gas	294.96
Gas	$849.18		Gift	1496.36
Gift	$510.93		Groceries	3131.17
H2O	$286.11		HBE	2394.67
Insurance	$2,237.32		House	13554.47
Internet Services (Google)	$288.00		Insurance	4459.64
Internet (phone)	$2,271.47		Memberships	30
Memberships	$303.63		Mobile Phone	1101
OGE	$11,555.85		Security	588.32
ONG	$3,243.60		Shipping AE	343.65
RJ - Contract	$10,950.00		taxes	1528.23
Refund	$320.00		therapy	1157
Rent	$10,200.00		Transfers - HHB	1840
Retirement	$9,888.00		Travel	88.94
RB sales	$120.00		truck	237.61
RM - Contract	$19,200.00		Utilities	898.06
Shipping	$172.12			48923.54
Storage RV (Sold)	$425.84
taxes	$11,481.27
Taxes - CPA	$1,150.00
Transfer HSBC	$1,200.00
Travel	$76.26
Truck	$358.92
	$116,160.95

ego

Wondering now if the I'm not worthy nobody loves me I'm a goofball negative talk wondering if that plays into when I express those things to others they give comfort they say no that's not true no this is why where is that a defense mechanism that has been turned into a way to Garner sympathy friendship to build up self-esteem so that's an odd not catch-22 but it's an odd expression seeking positive reinforcement

Intamacy

 So I am wondering what it is that makes me think that I am only loved when someone has sex with me. 

That is to say. I want to have sex with someone. I know that it would be a bad idea. And yet I pursue the relationship if only in my mind. Obsess over it. Ponder it. Try to manipulate any situation into leading into the bedroom. 

Why in trying to be honorable and not have sex with mara and to manipulate the situation and it would not be a good idea to have sex. Where might that lead or give her or me hope for something more. And so it is known it would be a bad idea and yet I am so offended that she does not invite me into the bedroom. 

The death of ego

 So I have always thought ego was this big massive thing. "he has a big ego" I was not aware that ego is also small and insidious and a liar. 

Ego tells me I am not worthy. Ego tells me I am not lovable. Ego says don't even try you will fail. Ego says pay it a nevermind. 

What did Stuart Smalley say... I am good enough and gosh darn it people like me. 

I have dismissed the lessons for so long It is like learning them all over again or hearing for the first time in that understanding is maybe taking place. 

The difference in knowing the path and living the path. 

I wonder if having gone through and done and lived but the ego keeps me from becoming who I am, the whole me, the fully capable of me. And the ego forces the Me in to a mediocracy. 

So the ego has to go. It can not have a hold on me and my life any longer. It is time to let go of the lies and to live fully. 

 

alone and like

So the idea of liking oneself...

Talking the other day had the realization that I really just don't like myself. Part of it may be I just don't know myself. And then it brings up the why would you spend time with someone that you do not like. And that circle's back to being alone when I'm alone I'm the only person I'm spending time with. And that's miserable. When I'm with someone else I don't have to be alone with me.