action Wu wi

So I'm not much of a student of philosophy. That is I'm not real sure where I fall in the order of things. I think my biggest influence is the Tao De Ching. The approach to being has a duality to it. Soft and supple binds and gives and overcomes. hard and brittle stand strong and yet breaks. There is light there is dark there's black there's white there's the ying and the yang and the aspects of the ying and the Yang with the white and the black within and balances achieved. And when spinning is the wheel spins you don't have black and white anymore it's all just shades of Gray. So I'm not real sure how all that plays and how that works and but it just feels normal. So on becoming. Last week several times I heard don't go find yourself create yourself. And that's the process of the past 50 years is creating the self. But I realize that the self that I am is not the self that I was meant to be. And that's real okay.

Wu wi the idea that when nothing is done nothing is left undone. It does not make any sense. We have to do and we have to act and we have to prepare for the future as individuals as a species as a community to move forward to go on so in that way things have to be done. But when nothing is done nothing is left undone. I think it's I don't have to have fear when nothing is feared there is nothing to fear. When I give up fear, then I can live in the moment. When I no longer worry about rejection the fear of rejection. It is not possible to be rejected. When I let go of the self I'm able to embrace the whole

overload trigger

I went from peaceful to overwhelmed in just a few moments this morning. It started by thinking about getting ready for SD. Moving stuff around. All the sudden I was not present in the moment but in the unknown future in my head. Skipped to shows, skipped to school, skipped to studio, skipped to travel. All over everywhere. Not enough time. Not enough of me. 

Solution. Be present. Make a list. Do what needs to be done today. Priority. Let it go when it arises, address it, make a note, what can I do about this right now? Take action if necessary. Thank you for reminding me. Let it go.

Gene Keys

 This is of interest. The Gene Keys

I want to explore more. I read a bit. It is deep. But I think the doors of perception open. 

feelings

Really not sure where to begin. Having this feeling of excitement freedom I don't know there's this level of immediate Bond and very interesting. I don't know why I'm at and really what I should be doing. I can't figure it out you don't have to figure it out

obseiion of the mind

So it really didn't take long for that full obsession of the mind to kick in. And that is a such an odd thing it just permeates. I really don't know how to release that obsession to function without it it's not a relationship when that happens. I've got to let go of that fantasy in my mind just like letting go of the fear in my mind.

sad

That is a very strange feeling. I'm not sure what it's about but I really gotten used to a good night text and it's only been a week and so that's sadness of not getting one reminds me that it's only been a week and. It's like a strange anticipation and not rejection not but there was a comfort in receiving that. And no blame no no but in my less than am I not worthy no I just didn't get a text to say good night. That's really okay. More normal. There's no meaning by not getting it. Just really is there's no meaning to getting one.

all in

I wonder what it is that brings me to simply going all in it is an overwhelming response. I don't know if this is a special connection I don't know if this is a thing I don't know why I don't know where the origin is the blue light whatever it may be. But I know that at this point I feel like I've gone all in. I don't know if caution the fear of getting hurt the twinges of being alone. Finally a connection a strong beautiful connection. And maybe I'm reading too much into it maybe I'm imagining too much maybe I'm hoping too much. And for some reason I think that seems okay.

board

They do not pay me enough to put up with that stuff.

Crazy hyper conservative people permeate. Welding perceived  power. Society must not give them that power or cave to a demand based in senseless self angrizedment

nerves

The feeling of new. Pursuit. Care. Wonder how silly I am/look. That does not matter. Being self.

breakfast

I do enjoy breakfast out. School does not allow it except for the weekend. I am a eggs and sausage type, maybe an omelette, mutelanos when possible. There are some great breakfast places during the week. I need to find a good pattern in rotation. 

You know how everyone compares to the opening of the self to catapiller/butterfly, I think now it will be the opening of the self after the pandemic. Locked away for a year, ready to enter the sunlight if a new day, a new you.

 I broke my collarbone one Christmas in Colorado. My dad there beside me. My great Aunt Ruth in the background. I am not sure what year. Maybe 1976 or so. We were on a family vacation in Cuchara. Sliding down a mountain on waxed cardboard boxes. My cousin Hank ran into me at the bottom of the hill. Bobo said she could hear the echo of the gunshot like break. It spun me around and knocked me out. All I remember is this big blue field with a little red patch coming right at me when I turned around to look up the mountain.