expectation

So in the expectation what what did I think was going to happen versus what's going to happen versus what did happen. So what is the difference in want and desire and expectation. Yeah I know what I wanted and it's certainly not going to be what happened and I knew that that wouldn't be what was going to happen but somewhere in my mind I was really hoping that would happen. So it's sort of like being stuck setting myself up for disappointment and Sawyer and loneliness.

I don't know what we are and I don't know if hope we are warrants the investment of time and energy 2 see what happens next

Once again I wonder if I'm actually the right one did I withdrawal because of me that I withdraw because of her trying to protect myself bored I don't know what what I'm not sure and then that before to reconcile how do I not go back to that attitude life

It seems like a which came first did I get into that way of being to Xscape I don't know the purpose why YB so closed how do you not go back into that state how do you remain open overtime

maintaining nance

So I'm really wondering if we've gotten to a place of maintenance so this place in their relationship where it's just good we talk we have dinner but it's like a just a friendship I'm not sure what it's a a nod there is love there but there's not any commitment or dap's maybe I don't know what the right word is getting together once a week for dinner and I mow the lawn I don't know that that's sustainable either but is it building or is it fading does it matter in some ways it feels like I'm forcing it's something to be there I don't know it's strange

16 lessons

So I was just thinking about the 16 chokecherry branches in the 16 chokecherry branches the 32 There are 16 lessons to be learned in this life there are 16 lessons to be learned in the spiritual life

I've always thought that the spiritual life was a separate life separate place a separate being just the place after we go when we die so I think now the physical life that we have is a human being in the spiritual life that we have is a human being they're one just like the separation of God from ourselves so we have the 16 lessons in the physical the 16 lessons in the spiritual but they coexist at the same time together

hold on

So I think maybe it's time for me to come and collect all of my things I don't know what is left. But I think it's time it's the holding on to a dream that I'm not sure I'll be able to continue to live so maybe even getting all the things moving back into my place and making it a home I can heal.

I want to be with you but I realize that you don't want me there with you so I need to let that go. Whatever it may be that we are I need to let that go so it can either live is a dream or fade away but I can't continue to hold on to the dream

the work

I don't want to do the work I just want the results

There are so many examples cleaning the floor it requires you to get down on your hands and knees and scrub to get it clean I'll go to the store and buy five different products that are supposed to clean the floor that don't because it requires the work of scrubbing.

I want to lose 40 lb I don't want to work out I don't want to eat right I don't want to give up sugar and don't want to give up bread I want the result I don't want to do the work.

I want to have a relationship I want to be in a relationship I want to have a loving caring ability but I'm not willing to do the work to maintain or to be in the relationship.

It's like when I'm doing something I do it halfway or I get it done but it's not pretty or there's always something left behind so nothing's ever really complete.

Spiritually or can I take a shortcut to get to the end or do I have to do on a daily basis to get there I don't read books I don't devote myself to meditation I dabble in play a bit but don't want to do the work to get to the end result part of it what is the end result

How does that tie into no joy no happiness how does that tie into what do I want wanting something requires work wanting something requires time and effort by not wanting I don't have to do the work.

So where does that come how do I Foster and develop the work? by doing.

4th grade classroom by choice. I just did not work.

Does this relate to having to be happy when doing chores?

victim

I am the victim. 

Example. 

Mara calls my mom to let her know we are separated. She is taking care of herself in that way. I knew she was going to call but did not know when. 

I get a call from my mom saying she heard and was sad and if I needed anything. 

My victim says why did Mara not warn me? Mara does not care for my feelings or how it will impact me? 

The thing is how in any way could her actions make me a victim. They can not. 

Forgive forgive forgive. It's time to forgive myself release the shame and the guilt around actions that I take release the anger the fear that I keep inside release the bondage of self it's time to be free those things not forgive forgive forgive forgiveness of the self

And then forgive the others 4 perceived Injustice has perceived wrongs I don't need to carry that forward through any more relationships the ones I have now the ones I've had in the past the ones for the future forgive forgive forgive

Just wondering if that God isn't finished with me yet that mindset that so I reached the point where I just gave up progressing and I just gave up moving forward not content where I am but not discontent where I am just there but just there was nowhere like to be just there in the esoteric sense of enlightenment that would be great but to be just there and not have any esoteric enlightenment is just being without purpose that may be it being without purpose so what is my special purpose

So is it possible to be not miserable alone but to be miserable without someone?

So the big grand gestures like Forrest Gump running across the United States eight times that's a big Grand gesture so my thought what do I want to do I want to walk for peace does that mean I have to walk across the United States eight times in a big Grand gesture or does it mean that I walk around the neighborhood at night and I contemplate in the hole in my heart I contemplate in hold in my heart love contemplate and hold in my heart forgiveness and maybe those are the grand gestures

Authentic Self

What do I want? 

Over and over again. I do not know what I want. Give me a checklist of the good qualities on life and Yes, I want all of those good things. Yes, I want finicail stability. I want a happy home and harmonious relationships. To be free of the anger, resentment and fear that seems to have a grip on me overshadowing the good. 

What do I not want? 

What is it time to let go of? What can I do to facilitate letting go?

The being as it is no longer works. 

No, i take that back it works. It works well. But the outcomes it produces is no longer the outcome I desire. 

removing the armor. It has been a theme for years and years, The knight with rusty armor. 

A crack in the stone. a fissure. 

Letting out the essence within. 

when we heat the rocks. The beginning. We give life back to Inyan. What he spent in creation he gave his life. Still present with the heat of the fire. the preparation of the ceremony brings him back into being. 

loneliness

What lesson in loneliness? 

I wonder if Mara was lonely even when we were together. I led a life that made her alone. 

What do I have to learn?

No distractions from myself. And yet I still will not look within to the problem. 

operation meyham

So in looking at the news today with the antifa group being arrested in Portland by militarized agents input into unmarked cars what if they're doing that to themselves they're having them among themselves gathered up for the conspiracy part but it sure does feel a lot like operation mayhem has commenced and the fight club boys are going wild it's a strange sing the world in which we live