birthday night

Well I was really hoping do you were going to ask me to stay.

So that didn't happen and I don't know what that means if it means anything I don't know if we're he closer to knowing where we're at and what we're going to do I don't know if we're miles apart or on the same track or I just don't know so we need to find out that question what makes you happy quote will make you happy.

I don't know what would make me happy. I do think that I'm not not happy. I don't know that there's anything that would just make me happy that sentence earlier I read today about the enlightened ones the two I can't remember yo Sean Nathan the name and that enlightenment that comes with just knowing and there's nothing else for me here versus the enlightenment of the that says I'm here to help others I'm here to serve it's interesting that there are two Dynamics to that enlightenment you must be others as well and being interesting to explore

hollow bone

So we have the idea of the hollow bone we ask that the spirit make us as a hollow bone so that the universe Mesa flow flow through us to allow the self to be out of the way and creation to come through I didn't understand what the hollow bone was.

I think the hollow bone is US prepared it is the person who has done the work to get rid of those things within themselves let's stop the flow of the universe anger fear resentment something that starts with an a those things have to be cleaned from the inside of the bone in order to be of use.so what is the work that needs to be done to become a hollow bone

?

realize

So I realized today that I don't want to move my things out of the other house because I feel like the more that I move the less likely it will be that I'll return to that place

The other thing that I think about is did I plan in my head to be finished with the relationship and then I think sometimes yes sometimes no but the proof that I didn't want the relationship to end is I didn't have anybody in the wings and that is a Hallmark of getting out of a relationship for me

expectation

So in the expectation what what did I think was going to happen versus what's going to happen versus what did happen. So what is the difference in want and desire and expectation. Yeah I know what I wanted and it's certainly not going to be what happened and I knew that that wouldn't be what was going to happen but somewhere in my mind I was really hoping that would happen. So it's sort of like being stuck setting myself up for disappointment and Sawyer and loneliness.

I don't know what we are and I don't know if hope we are warrants the investment of time and energy 2 see what happens next

Once again I wonder if I'm actually the right one did I withdrawal because of me that I withdraw because of her trying to protect myself bored I don't know what what I'm not sure and then that before to reconcile how do I not go back to that attitude life

It seems like a which came first did I get into that way of being to Xscape I don't know the purpose why YB so closed how do you not go back into that state how do you remain open overtime

maintaining nance

So I'm really wondering if we've gotten to a place of maintenance so this place in their relationship where it's just good we talk we have dinner but it's like a just a friendship I'm not sure what it's a a nod there is love there but there's not any commitment or dap's maybe I don't know what the right word is getting together once a week for dinner and I mow the lawn I don't know that that's sustainable either but is it building or is it fading does it matter in some ways it feels like I'm forcing it's something to be there I don't know it's strange

16 lessons

So I was just thinking about the 16 chokecherry branches in the 16 chokecherry branches the 32 There are 16 lessons to be learned in this life there are 16 lessons to be learned in the spiritual life

I've always thought that the spiritual life was a separate life separate place a separate being just the place after we go when we die so I think now the physical life that we have is a human being in the spiritual life that we have is a human being they're one just like the separation of God from ourselves so we have the 16 lessons in the physical the 16 lessons in the spiritual but they coexist at the same time together

hold on

So I think maybe it's time for me to come and collect all of my things I don't know what is left. But I think it's time it's the holding on to a dream that I'm not sure I'll be able to continue to live so maybe even getting all the things moving back into my place and making it a home I can heal.

I want to be with you but I realize that you don't want me there with you so I need to let that go. Whatever it may be that we are I need to let that go so it can either live is a dream or fade away but I can't continue to hold on to the dream

the work

I don't want to do the work I just want the results

There are so many examples cleaning the floor it requires you to get down on your hands and knees and scrub to get it clean I'll go to the store and buy five different products that are supposed to clean the floor that don't because it requires the work of scrubbing.

I want to lose 40 lb I don't want to work out I don't want to eat right I don't want to give up sugar and don't want to give up bread I want the result I don't want to do the work.

I want to have a relationship I want to be in a relationship I want to have a loving caring ability but I'm not willing to do the work to maintain or to be in the relationship.

It's like when I'm doing something I do it halfway or I get it done but it's not pretty or there's always something left behind so nothing's ever really complete.

Spiritually or can I take a shortcut to get to the end or do I have to do on a daily basis to get there I don't read books I don't devote myself to meditation I dabble in play a bit but don't want to do the work to get to the end result part of it what is the end result

How does that tie into no joy no happiness how does that tie into what do I want wanting something requires work wanting something requires time and effort by not wanting I don't have to do the work.

So where does that come how do I Foster and develop the work? by doing.

4th grade classroom by choice. I just did not work.

Does this relate to having to be happy when doing chores?

victim

I am the victim. 

Example. 

Mara calls my mom to let her know we are separated. She is taking care of herself in that way. I knew she was going to call but did not know when. 

I get a call from my mom saying she heard and was sad and if I needed anything. 

My victim says why did Mara not warn me? Mara does not care for my feelings or how it will impact me? 

The thing is how in any way could her actions make me a victim. They can not. 

Forgive forgive forgive. It's time to forgive myself release the shame and the guilt around actions that I take release the anger the fear that I keep inside release the bondage of self it's time to be free those things not forgive forgive forgive forgiveness of the self

And then forgive the others 4 perceived Injustice has perceived wrongs I don't need to carry that forward through any more relationships the ones I have now the ones I've had in the past the ones for the future forgive forgive forgive

Just wondering if that God isn't finished with me yet that mindset that so I reached the point where I just gave up progressing and I just gave up moving forward not content where I am but not discontent where I am just there but just there was nowhere like to be just there in the esoteric sense of enlightenment that would be great but to be just there and not have any esoteric enlightenment is just being without purpose that may be it being without purpose so what is my special purpose

So is it possible to be not miserable alone but to be miserable without someone?

So the big grand gestures like Forrest Gump running across the United States eight times that's a big Grand gesture so my thought what do I want to do I want to walk for peace does that mean I have to walk across the United States eight times in a big Grand gesture or does it mean that I walk around the neighborhood at night and I contemplate in the hole in my heart I contemplate in hold in my heart love contemplate and hold in my heart forgiveness and maybe those are the grand gestures