Debt - Finances - Studio - Saving

 Life choices create who we are and where we are going. We made choices along the way and those choices impact the future. 

There is a lot to unpack here. 

The House

The Studio

Savings

Investments 

Retirement 

Life

When I moved to Cape Cod I met some of who would become the most influential people in my life. Everything in my life took a turn there. My friend Scott was a chef. Accomplished. Very skilled. One of the best. Somehow or another he came to inherit some money, about $10,000. At the time more then any of us would see again for a very long time. So Scott bought a used BMW I don't know how much it was and he had a really nice old Impala it was a great car but I think that external status symbol if having a BMW there are something about it. So fast forward a few years and Scott was living in Colorado and met Doris and got married and the story he told me that his wedding about meeting Doris one of the things that concerned her was he didn't have anything. So he bought that car and that's a symbol of the way that we were he was I am and there was no future to be ready for there was no savings there was no and it wasn't an impulse it was a just living. And that that living gets in the way of having a life there's nothing wrong with it it's a great way to be the things that Doris wanted versus the things that Scott wanted she was prepared. You have a house you have a down payment you have responsibility you have a retirement fund you prepare for the future all of the time living moment to moment day to day there's no consideration for the future. So how can we do both have great consideration for the future and due day today moment to moment living. The the way of being known I'm stuck.

So thinking about finances the Dave Ramsey method saving baby steps doing envelopes whatever there's a method to achieve different way of being with money. Things I agree with things I don't agree with it's hard to tell. I think for normal people it's almost unattainable. To be debt free. To not have to worry about or the next is coming from. The success stories are often not very realistic. So how do you quote on quote when with money I have no idea.

My experience has been up and down life everything so financially 2007 I was in the divorce and realistically walked away with $5,000, a dilapidated RV, and my glass blowing equipment. I think I had $18,000 left on the truck I don't remember what my payment was a month. I moved in with my cousin didn't pay any rent.

I restarted the glass studio downtown Oklahoma City still living with my cousin and then started looking for a house. So just down the street from the studio I found a house for sale around $50,000. $1,350 square feet and it did not require any immediate repairs. So I got a loan for the mortgage 15 year fixed rate I don't know what the APR was from Bank of America enrolled my credit card debt and my truck payment into a loan that I could pay off using the truck for collateral so all of only had one bill that way. And I started making payments to pay everything down and get it paid off it took 2 years I'm not sure to pay off the bank loan and then it took 7 years to pay off the house. So at that point no more rent no more mortgage just daily living expenses. So doing that on a teacher salary at the time when I started that was making about 30,000 a year . I think teaching you get about $100 $150 a year step increase race in Oklahoma.

So I see on the internet the fire financial Independence retire early I just that's certainly not a possibility. I see the Forbes article that was a million dollars to retire is kind of the set desire and they ask people how long how much money they would need a year in retirement and they said $130,000 a year. A million dollars is going to last about 7 years. So in that case you can never really retire. How is it possible to spend $130,000 a year. That from somebody's making currently like $40,000 a year and then make any sense.

objective

The objective is to not prevent or protect people from the virus the objective is to contain it

my nature

So what is it about me that idealizes contact and kindness in mistakes that for a longing and a desire. The kindness shown by a barista making my coffee and smiling and saying have a good day there is a connection that is deep. Somehow they have fulfilled a need within me and by fulfilling that need they have become attached to my desires. How to let go of those desires how to let go of the wanting.

pursuit

Desire. The root of suffering is desire. End desire...

The pursuit makes for being loved.the illusion of being loved. The knowing that there is no possibility of communion leads to a horrible dynamic within of this cycle of desire.nothing good comes from it.

what is best

I do not know what is best I honestly think that it's really good. But it's not fulfilling. I don't know what more I want and then esoterically not wanting is the key so when I don't want and it's really nice. There are certainly things I desire that aren't fulfilled. The ease of being alone is really nice.

So if they knew the real you and wanted to investigate the parts of you that you keep to yourself, then you might work a little harder at the relationship part because you are getting the nourishment you need...  

authentic self

Realizing today that to be the authentic self you have to know who you are period for years and years I've only been what I thought other people wanted me to be. So in a sense I don't know who I am in that authentic at the core. I don't know how to find that self.

god fearing

So we know we are god. Connected to the center since the beginning of time through for the ever.

 we were taught to be god fearing. If we fear God we fear ourselves.

cypher

So do you think when Morpheus pulled cipher out of the matrix to be in the real world that Morpheus thought cipher was the one . How did cipher discover he was not the one. Enter

So how does no I think everyone wants to be the one. What does it do to a person when the realization comes that they are not. Or is that just the illusion because they are truly capable of being the one. What is it letting go of ego pride fear . What does an embrace love acceptance to become the one.

Couple that with the line ,we are going to kill him... Neo was not the "first" the one they thought they had released.

being honest

I'm wondering about how to be more honest the best not to say anything at all versus what do I need how do I express those things. So I'm wondering what do I need.

So I found myself wanting to say things knowing that the time was not right the place was not right and feeling like what I had to say would just fall on deaf ears. There was one day I tried to say how I was feeling in the reply that I received I felt badly about having felt or said what I did. So that makes me not want to open up anymore. That vulnerability the fear in the vulnerability. So that feeling of taking care of myself and expressing what I need gets put to the back again and maybe that's where it is and always has been maybe that's why I don't say anything at all. In protecting myself I'm actually doing myself a lot more harm.

take a way

So I remember in eighth grade we took a trip to Washington DC. I had on a brand new white polo shirt. We got chocolate ice cream early on the start of our tour day. I spilled chocolate ice cream down the front of my shirt. so I had to wear that all day long.

So my takeaway was don't ever wear white I wonder what my takeaway would have been no I wonder what my being would be like if my takeaway were don't eat chocolate ice cream.

as god

Why is our first impulse to deny the divine that we are. We know we are god. Of the same thread and weave and cloth. Yet when presented with "he is god" the answer is no, certainly not. How to get us to change our core response to yes.

Does this stem from the thought that we are not "capable" of the same things we atribute to God?

In that same vein, how do we know we are not healing and manifesting love with each step and breath.