the studio

why do I have to shrink and go away so someone else gets to grow?"

Friday last

so last Friday I was walking to the truck just about 7:00 am to held to work. it was great overcast, maybe a bit of mist in the air. looking up to the northwest almost straight up but down a bit. there was a while light, it was faint, there was a twist to it on the inside like a wave folding into itself. my friend John Trubey passed away at 7:30 that morning. I do not know that was hime coming to say goodbye but I also know that was him coming to say goodbye. 

taking action

Listening to an interview today with Chuck palacek and he was talking about being the stupid one to introduce a thought knowing that that was not the case just to begin doing a dialogue. And it made me think about taking action the process of taking an action to get something moving. We all know what to do we've done it enough we have enough experience we know what to do. It's the beginning it's the taking of the action it's the willingness to be the stupid one and to make a mistake and to do it wrong and to know that that's okay and part of the process. It's very important to take an action just to do and begin and see where it goes.

Morning Zen

It is not really the end of a weekend or the beginning of a week. It is the day and the moment. There is a group of people who individually live thier lives in 24 hour segments. One day. On occasion it is one hour, one 10 minutes, one minute, one breath. And so it is that today is this day. Waking at 11:00 in the a.m. does not make it as waste of day or a waste of time or a loss, or time that will never be recovered. It was dreams, it was nurturing the self, it was healing, it simply was. And this day anew. 24 hours. one breath. I think this was 2008.

In Draft

A lot of what I have written in the past year or so is languashing in Drafts. The stream of conscienous writing that i felt did not deserve to be seen. I need to go through them and publish. Some of my thoughts are just in the moment and expressed but hold little weight now. At the time seemingly important. I really am feeling much more. More centered more secure more connected more at peace

Upon Waking

Yes, dawn and waking. Alarm sounds, snooze. but also the waking from a seemingly long hibernation. Waking to know again. Waking a dream, an illusion.

terra calente

First blush.

Buffet

$17

work work

So work has begun again. Work work not doing the work or working but work. It has been really good. It has a lot that did not really expect the mount of what had to be done all once. With the new start it seems like everything happens all at once there's not a buildup. I mean I prepared this summer and got ready for this time to come but I was not ready enough and didn't know how to prepare. So I think learning how to be ready is part of the key. Thinking of this summer and the work I do there. It is taking me years to know what to do and how to do it what's the process what comes next what's logical what has worked in the past what didn't work in the past. So learning a new all of those trial and errors and what comes next is difficult. So I need to learn how to make it work how to develop a method that is repeatable and or my notes are good enough that I can remember and don't have to look each time or don't have to relearn it I guess is what it is. I made a video last year of the process on creating for Google. And that was helpful on the remembering what comes next. So we are back at it full steam ahead and what comes comes hopefully we'll be ready hopefully I'll be ready.

Memory of pain

So I'm wondering about the memory of pain. Talking with a little fellow tonight we said something about the body remembers the body stores perhaps events and I'm thinking as those events in our lives get processed and placed there are points in our body that reflect those events. Why does my knee hurt? There's something there in the past that produces that pain. Something to work through something to learn from something to reprocess something that has reoccurred. And so what is the connection of that pain to who I am today. And why does it hurt? I became aware of a pain in my shoulder a few years ago. I went and released that pain and let It Go. I'm wondering how to release this pain today?

the heat

I was really hoping for a walk this evening and it just not cool off. I was tinkering around the house kind of putting away things sorting through some boxes. So is a productive evening but not walking wise. The walking seems to really help my flow of thought. And it was odd I noticed that the longer I sit the more my back hurts but when I get up and move and walk it didn't hurt so there's something to be said about walking in that way. So I need to just get up and walk even when it's a hot evening maybe earlier in the morning when it's cooler I should do a morning walk that's good yes I will have breakfast and walk there I'll get up a little bit earlier.p

travel

Well, I am on the road. It feels like when I walk I can process thought I can move through things and kind of see a different picture when I'm driving it's a different process the thoughts don't seem to collapse it's fleeting and maybe the speed involved I think that going 80 miles an hour down the highway the mind is also in a way going there quickly so it's hard for me to find what it is I'm looking for and describe it. So I have this one to talk and create and delve into for more understanding yeah I can't strange in between place so it's just driving and driving see what happens.

comfort

So, I'm really not sure what to say. Esoterically I feel like the universe is taking very good care that the way things are the way things are and within the mechanisms in the operations and the way everything is. I think even when I'm uncomfortable and even when I'm suffering or in pain or in doubt or fear or in those things the universe still brings comfort. And recognizing holding fast to the notion that of the abundant love of the universe. I think it's easy to see it when we are in the moment and aware or surrounded or fostering perhaps that abundant love. It's hard to see when the light is dimmed yeah it's hard to see when the light is dimmed. That makes sense but it's there and it is prevalent. Maybe that's the thing that sustains not even aware of.

seen

From the moment of commitment the universe conspires to assist you.

Focus and the Journey

 The metaphors and the quotes. All roads. Travel well. Living is the journey. I think over time the well worn path became more well worn. Talking the other day. When I am walking I look at my feet and the path. Weary to misstep it is difficult to look around and enjoy the scenery. Maybe the spiritual path is similar. Focus and walking, and fear of falling. And the broad spiritual vista is missed. Focus again. Stop to take in the whole. Revitalize the self. 

protect the self

So a little epiphany, thank you for the prompt. It is necessary to protect the self. To be aware, to not get hurt. The only way I know/knew was to build up walls and amour, to deny feelings. To shut down and shut out. It is a long process and on occasion light from within would shine through bringing hope. 

So tearing down the walls, removing the armour.  Emerging from the self imposed exile of a long winter. How does one protect the self without building the wall keeping others out and denying feelings?

the need to share

So wondering now about this process and the expression that seems to be necessary. I feel like I just need to share. So this popped up on Twitter and it resounded. So sharing to remember it and sharing it to inspire and sharing it to aspire. 

charles a. murray

For creatives: You were once the kid who loved Magic. Now, you’re the Magician.  Practice your craft. Diligently. There are kids who still wanna go “oooooh” when you do your magic trick. The lil hater kids wanna laugh if they can expose you. Be inspired by the kid who says Ooooh.

opening

So I think this feeling of opening, emerging, after a long winter. It is opened up and brought about change within and one of the consequences of that change is feeling and to feel to not bury the feelings of pain and sorrow and they come they go I think it's going to be necessary to embrace those things when they come and to look at them and thank them in the move through them. And just as there are pains and sorrows and angers and fears there are also joys and giddy happiness is that the word, positives how to embrace those as well.

I really do think over time the walls or the armor or the whatever it is cocoon to protect and it didn't even protect it but that that false sense of invulnerability maybe and not even really being aware of all of the things that are lost through trying to become unhurtable.

layout possiblities

This is so very difficult.  

So I think when facing a situation when dealing with things or you know what's the next right thing. I think it is take action even if that actions the wrong action it can get fixed later but it is the taking of the action that moves everything forward you know something needs to be done. You do it if it's not right it'll get fixed if it's wrong or if it is right it will be right and it will be done or it will be started. So I'm looking at where to put pictures on a wall, a fairly insignificant act and I'm afraid to take the action. I don't know where it should be or where it should go or how it should look and I don't want to take the action in case it's wrong. The bedroom needs art and I don't even know what to start in here, what would be the appropriate art for the bedroom based on the things that I have?

Living room

Couch against the north living room wall. Three pictures behind the couch

Guitar on south wall

Dining table in nook by windows

Keffer  on east wall

Desk on east wall

Jerry in the entry

suffering is finate

So walking along. Thinking about feelings and love and being and questioning myself. And I've always thought that love is infinite. There is abundant love in the universe. And suffering is finite there is only so much  suffering in the universe. Part of the reason we do what we do is to relieve the suffering of others. The thought that sorrow is a choice. Just as love is abundant. Do we have a choice in love?

action Wu wi

So I'm not much of a student of philosophy. That is I'm not real sure where I fall in the order of things. I think my biggest influence is the Tao De Ching. The approach to being has a duality to it. Soft and supple binds and gives and overcomes. hard and brittle stand strong and yet breaks. There is light there is dark there's black there's white there's the ying and the yang and the aspects of the ying and the Yang with the white and the black within and balances achieved. And when spinning is the wheel spins you don't have black and white anymore it's all just shades of Gray. So I'm not real sure how all that plays and how that works and but it just feels normal. So on becoming. Last week several times I heard don't go find yourself create yourself. And that's the process of the past 50 years is creating the self. But I realize that the self that I am is not the self that I was meant to be. And that's real okay.

Wu wi the idea that when nothing is done nothing is left undone. It does not make any sense. We have to do and we have to act and we have to prepare for the future as individuals as a species as a community to move forward to go on so in that way things have to be done. But when nothing is done nothing is left undone. I think it's I don't have to have fear when nothing is feared there is nothing to fear. When I give up fear, then I can live in the moment. When I no longer worry about rejection the fear of rejection. It is not possible to be rejected. When I let go of the self I'm able to embrace the whole