Stay the Course

What is the course? Where do I want to be compared to where I am now? Where am I now? Where do I want to be at retirement? What do I want my life to look like? 

Setting forth on the path is small steps. Movement forward and backwards and serpentine and straight. Choosing a direction and going with it. 

I think it is most difficult for me to imagine life as I would like it to be. What do I want in five years, seven years, twenty years...The idea of living in the present but preparing for the future. Seeking the balance to enjoy both. 

House: There is a desire to build a self sustaining garage apartment behind the house. Rent the house or the apartment. Is it worth the $40,000+/- investment in the property? Take out the existing garage and storage shed. Build out a garden and outdoor space. Fence between the neighbors. The house is in decent shape. It will need a new roof, new siding, and new AC unit in the next decade. 

Vehicle: The Tacoma has 260,000 miles on it and it is running well. How many more years? I put away $500 a month for a new car into a mutual fund. The subaru crosstrek or outback is top of the list or a new small truck. Being able to haul a trailer seems important. Think a fifth wheel Scamp would be my choice on a nice pull behind for camping.

Trips and vacations: I would really like to be able to go somewhere for three months at a time. Immerse into a place. The thought of living somewhere else is tempting but I do not want to be tied to a place I think.  I put $200 a month into a travel fund. I also deposit any oil royalty checks into the travel account. Annual trip to South Dakota with $200 going into an account for that purpose.

The studio: It is working. It is a lot of work. In seven years is it still going to be something I want to do on a daily basis. Can I find someone to be there full time? What is the cost/benefit ratio? It is not a money making proposition, in that we spend nearly everything we make. I save to purchase large items. I would have to find a way to make enough money each year to cover my expenses and the salary of someone else. The studio does cover a few personal monthly expenses; gas and electricity for the house and gas/repairs for the truck.

Accounts: There are studio and personal accounts.

Accounts	Balance Jan 2020
Citizens Personal Checking	$978.19
Citizens Personal Savings	$2,503.54
Citizens Truck Fund	$2,004.13
Citizen House Fund	$2,392.24
RCB Personal Checking	$1,439.88
Wells Fargo Checking (South Dakota)	$3,995.59
Wells Fargo Savings (South Dakota)	$1,476.29
HSBC Vacation Account	$5,435.63

Studio

Citizens BSS Checking	$7,820.64
Citizens BSS Savings	$10,177.15
RCB BSS	$18,825.15
RCB BSS Savings	$17,354.04

Investing: Besides retirement accounts there is a mutual fund for saving for a new vehicle. 

Vanguard VFIAX

$500 per month for Auto

$55,185.38

Retirement: With a fairly shallow investment pool I should be okay for a bit. Between teacher retirement (2027) and Social Security (2032?) and Safe Withdrawal things should be okay if everything goes well. 

Vanguard Roth IRA	$7000 per year	$97,513.53
Vanguard SIMPLE IRA through BSS	$824 per month	$87,457.40
Vanguard 403b	No deposits possible	$138,415.12

Income: Paycheck from school ($46931.92), three oil royalty checks (into Travel Account), studio pay goes into SIMPLE IRA account ($824/month). 

Expenses: Personal expenses and studio expenses. I spend a lot on dining as I eat out nearly every meal. There was a small remodel on the house with painting, new floors and plumbing work.

BSS Expenses	2020		Personal Expenses	2020
Art Festivals	$350.00
Bank Fee	$163.98		Bank Fees	40.53
Batch	$6,659.24		Cash	60
Cash	$120.00		clothing	1159.21
Color	$6,382.10		cpa	325
Consumable	$14,910.32		dentist	580
Dining	$84.61		Dining	13595.71
Donations	$102.20		entertainment	19.01
Gallery Fees	$300.00		gas	294.96
Gas	$849.18		Gift	1496.36
Gift	$510.93		Groceries	3131.17
H2O	$286.11		HBE	2394.67
Insurance	$2,237.32		House	13554.47
Internet Services (Google)	$288.00		Insurance	4459.64
Internet (phone)	$2,271.47		Memberships	30
Memberships	$303.63		Mobile Phone	1101
OGE	$11,555.85		Security	588.32
ONG	$3,243.60		Shipping AE	343.65
RJ - Contract	$10,950.00		taxes	1528.23
Refund	$320.00		therapy	1157
Rent	$10,200.00		Transfers - HHB	1840
Retirement	$9,888.00		Travel	88.94
RB sales	$120.00		truck	237.61
RM - Contract	$19,200.00		Utilities	898.06
Shipping	$172.12			48923.54
Storage RV (Sold)	$425.84
taxes	$11,481.27
Taxes - CPA	$1,150.00
Transfer HSBC	$1,200.00
Travel	$76.26
Truck	$358.92
	$116,160.95

ego

Wondering now if the I'm not worthy nobody loves me I'm a goofball negative talk wondering if that plays into when I express those things to others they give comfort they say no that's not true no this is why where is that a defense mechanism that has been turned into a way to Garner sympathy friendship to build up self-esteem so that's an odd not catch-22 but it's an odd expression seeking positive reinforcement

Intamacy

 So I am wondering what it is that makes me think that I am only loved when someone has sex with me. 

That is to say. I want to have sex with someone. I know that it would be a bad idea. And yet I pursue the relationship if only in my mind. Obsess over it. Ponder it. Try to manipulate any situation into leading into the bedroom. 

Why in trying to be honorable and not have sex with mara and to manipulate the situation and it would not be a good idea to have sex. Where might that lead or give her or me hope for something more. And so it is known it would be a bad idea and yet I am so offended that she does not invite me into the bedroom. 

The death of ego

 So I have always thought ego was this big massive thing. "he has a big ego" I was not aware that ego is also small and insidious and a liar. 

Ego tells me I am not worthy. Ego tells me I am not lovable. Ego says don't even try you will fail. Ego says pay it a nevermind. 

What did Stuart Smalley say... I am good enough and gosh darn it people like me. 

I have dismissed the lessons for so long It is like learning them all over again or hearing for the first time in that understanding is maybe taking place. 

The difference in knowing the path and living the path. 

I wonder if having gone through and done and lived but the ego keeps me from becoming who I am, the whole me, the fully capable of me. And the ego forces the Me in to a mediocracy. 

So the ego has to go. It can not have a hold on me and my life any longer. It is time to let go of the lies and to live fully. 

 

alone and like

So the idea of liking oneself...

Talking the other day had the realization that I really just don't like myself. Part of it may be I just don't know myself. And then it brings up the why would you spend time with someone that you do not like. And that circle's back to being alone when I'm alone I'm the only person I'm spending time with. And that's miserable. When I'm with someone else I don't have to be alone with me.

collective consciousness

So reading today in the theory of collective consciousness all of mankind resides in a place of being while we're not on this planet as a human our consciousness is with the whole we're not separate from the whole we are not a one consciousness as part of a whole we are the collective consciousness. So when people have an experience of a past life that is the collective consciousness life all lives are part of that collective consciousness. so when somebody says well why do you only come back at somebody who was famous. That is the strong memory we don't necessarily remember or reflect upon the mundane we remember and reflect upon the moments of heightened awareness or special times. So those are the memories we have of the past life. so when somebody says well I think I must have been a native American in my past life yes we all are in the collective consciousness that makes up who we are and when we come back to earth as a human being and we have an experience we know we've had that experience before as part of the collective consciousness. And if you extrapolate out not even past lives but our collective consciousness of today with just the people who are here we have experienced everything that everyone experiences at that moment.

reprogram

So we are reprogramming the human species at the cellular level. Becoming who we are meant to be or The next step in The evolutionary chain. I'm wondering if cancer is the fight of the universe to prevent that reprogramming from happening. I think about the people I know that have passed on or fought and at what is that disease it makes it prohibitive

allobe

So woke up 3:00 to a dream of being on Mars that alone mission to Mars and not really me being the person at Mars but me going to help find that person so not real sure what all that was but then her talking earlier tonight I think that the quote that keeps going through my head is I can't be the person that they need me to be. 

And then the other one was something abou and they can't be what I need period And I think that that's what the personal is I'm not capable of being period and is that the thing within me I'm not capable of beingt

becoming

What do I want to be? 

Wants

And needs

And desires

Want to wake up tangled together

Want to walk the beach

Want to ride a motorcycle 

We know that we are God and yet we fear becoming

We know that we are capable and yet we fear becoming

We know and yet we doubt

Debt - Finances - Studio - Saving

 Life choices create who we are and where we are going. We made choices along the way and those choices impact the future. 

There is a lot to unpack here. 

The House

The Studio

Savings

Investments 

Retirement 

Life

When I moved to Cape Cod I met some of who would become the most influential people in my life. Everything in my life took a turn there. My friend Scott was a chef. Accomplished. Very skilled. One of the best. Somehow or another he came to inherit some money, about $10,000. At the time more then any of us would see again for a very long time. So Scott bought a used BMW I don't know how much it was and he had a really nice old Impala it was a great car but I think that external status symbol if having a BMW there are something about it. So fast forward a few years and Scott was living in Colorado and met Doris and got married and the story he told me that his wedding about meeting Doris one of the things that concerned her was he didn't have anything. So he bought that car and that's a symbol of the way that we were he was I am and there was no future to be ready for there was no savings there was no and it wasn't an impulse it was a just living. And that that living gets in the way of having a life there's nothing wrong with it it's a great way to be the things that Doris wanted versus the things that Scott wanted she was prepared. You have a house you have a down payment you have responsibility you have a retirement fund you prepare for the future all of the time living moment to moment day to day there's no consideration for the future. So how can we do both have great consideration for the future and due day today moment to moment living. The the way of being known I'm stuck.

So thinking about finances the Dave Ramsey method saving baby steps doing envelopes whatever there's a method to achieve different way of being with money. Things I agree with things I don't agree with it's hard to tell. I think for normal people it's almost unattainable. To be debt free. To not have to worry about or the next is coming from. The success stories are often not very realistic. So how do you quote on quote when with money I have no idea.

My experience has been up and down life everything so financially 2007 I was in the divorce and realistically walked away with $5,000, a dilapidated RV, and my glass blowing equipment. I think I had $18,000 left on the truck I don't remember what my payment was a month. I moved in with my cousin didn't pay any rent.

I restarted the glass studio downtown Oklahoma City still living with my cousin and then started looking for a house. So just down the street from the studio I found a house for sale around $50,000. $1,350 square feet and it did not require any immediate repairs. So I got a loan for the mortgage 15 year fixed rate I don't know what the APR was from Bank of America enrolled my credit card debt and my truck payment into a loan that I could pay off using the truck for collateral so all of only had one bill that way. And I started making payments to pay everything down and get it paid off it took 2 years I'm not sure to pay off the bank loan and then it took 7 years to pay off the house. So at that point no more rent no more mortgage just daily living expenses. So doing that on a teacher salary at the time when I started that was making about 30,000 a year . I think teaching you get about $100 $150 a year step increase race in Oklahoma.

So I see on the internet the fire financial Independence retire early I just that's certainly not a possibility. I see the Forbes article that was a million dollars to retire is kind of the set desire and they ask people how long how much money they would need a year in retirement and they said $130,000 a year. A million dollars is going to last about 7 years. So in that case you can never really retire. How is it possible to spend $130,000 a year. That from somebody's making currently like $40,000 a year and then make any sense.

objective

The objective is to not prevent or protect people from the virus the objective is to contain it